Three Social Justice Approaches to Having Hard Family Conversations
How did “the talk” with your “Uncle Bob” go this holiday season?
Whether you’ve been practicing an elevator pitch about global warming for “Uncle Bob” all year or you’ve been dreading the upcoming “nuanced” family dinner table conversations, I’d love to share three social justice concepts that have helped me through many tough conversations with loved ones over the years.
Before we dive in, these three prompts are invitational. They’re something you can hold onto when a dinner table conversation begins with a sentence like “I’m not a racist, but” or “I don’t want to offend you but…”
1. Multiplicity or both-and
When I’m in a conversation with different or opposing views, “both-and” reminds me to get off my high horse and remember that multiple truths co-exist.
Kazu Haga drew a parallel between the bootcamps that law enforcement officials have to go through and his experiences at a Buddhist monastery. Both contexts have strict rules and tight hierarchies. However, Kazu argued, “It is 100 percent true that having choice taken away by a rigid structure can be violent, and it is also 100 percent true that the discipline of that rigid structure can be liberating. These two opposing truths can somehow coexist. So many unproductive arguments could have been avoided if we simply stop digging in our heels and trying to prove that our truth and our perspectives are the only truth and the only right perspective.”
2. Sharing instead of convincing
I’m guessing that you’re as passionate about equity and liberation as I am. Sometimes the passion takes over and I talk more than I listen. When that happens, I take that as a cue to invite in some pause. Then, I let go of my goal of convincing my “Uncle Bob” to join my team. I can simply share my view and they can share theirs. We don’t even have to agree or meet in the middle. We don’t even have to find our way back to “unhealthy comfort.” We can leave it unfinished, too.
My transgender co-troublemaker and activist, MzMr, often ends a conversation with, “each soul’s journey,” to honor the multiple truths that blossom in a hard conversation.
This isn’t easy, but if your safety and boundaries allow for it I believe that even in the heat and tension of conflict we can hold ourselves open to finding possibilities in “Uncle Bob’s” view.
When you bring curiosity instead of criticism to that tense exchange you hold space for “Uncle Bob” to be seen and heard. And who knows, perhaps that tension might even be softened enough for “Uncle Bob” to put down their armor and begin to listen to your point of view, too.
And it’s so hard to do. I often find myself caught in between this dance of ego and integrity. When I’m rooted in integrity (wrapped in discomfort of course), I might have to use a sincere apology to re-set and re-center myself: “I’m sorry I moved too fast and didn’t really listen to you. Can we rewind and try again?” I trust that you too - with practice - will find your rhythm and pacing.
3. Boundaries
Here’s a riddle for you: what is something that makes you feel uncomfortable when you set it up but pretty cozy once you’re inside it? This paradox is boundaries.
Boundaries are often misunderstood as a euphemism for “leave me alone.” Or on the other end of the spectrum, lacking boundaries is misconstrued as being kindhearted, as in “wow, you’re always there for me whenever I need you.”
Boundaries mark the parameters of interactions which preserve your safety, dignity, and integrity. Honoring your boundaries supports you in maintaining your individual self while staying connected with others.
Boundaries cultivate belonging.
Boundaries open up a space where you and I can shine without having to dim each other’s light. There’s a sense of security within boundaries where you and I can simply be…together.
Prentis Hemphill beautifully said that “Boundaries are the distance at which I can love you and me simultaneously.”
In that distance is where multiple truths can co-exist alongside the tension and discomfort of conflict.
In that very same distance, “Uncle Bob” and your harder-to-love family members and you can also co-exist even if it’s more than six feet apart.
Even though you can’t change “Uncle Bob’s” mind in one conversation (or several), you have the space you need to stand in the light of your own truth while holding space for them to feel heard and seen.
And when you have the security of strong boundaries you can reset your nervous system to stay present with the discomfort of the disagreement, even when there’s no resolution, agreement, or middle ground.
Thank you for planting the seeds for change with your action…one conversation at a time.
In solidarity & sass,
Nat
PS. For more information on how my parents and I had a tough conversation and began breaking our outdated family cycles, please listen to Ep 22: Ep 22: How My Parents & I Are Breaking Our Family Cycles Together below.