Ep 24: A Love Letter to Parents
[INTRODUCTION]
[00:00:00] Sawadee ka, and welcome to the Come Back to Care podcast. A place where we’re re-imagining parenting to be deeply decolonized and intentionally intergenerational. If you’ve been looking for ways to practice social justice in your daily parenting and nurture your child’s development while re-parenting your inner child, I’m so glad you’re here. I am your host, Nat Nadha Vikitsreth, a decolonized and licensed clinical psychotherapist, somatic abolitionist, and founder of Come Back to Care. A dot connector, norm agitator and lover of liberation. In this podcast, we turn down the volume of oppressive social norms and outdated family patterns so that we can hear our inner voice and raise our children by our own values too. We come back home to our body and the goodness within. We come back to our lineages and communities. And we come back to care… together. So come curious and come as you are.
[EPISODE]
Welcome to episode 24 of the Come Back to Care Podcast.
In this episode, it’s all about love. This whole year you and I have covered social justice actions and parenting reflection questions. We have unlearned oppressive social norms and outdated family cycles that get in the way of you raising your children by your values. So I want to dedicate this episode to connection over content. What a beautiful way to end the Gregorian calendar year -- with love. And what’s so joyful about this episode is that you’ll be hearing raw, real, and heartfelt messages from five fellow decolonized, embodied, and intergenerational parents too.
These parents have worked with me in the 7-week social justice parenting and inner child re-parenting cohort called the In-Out-N-Through® program. At the end of each cohort, I interview the program graduates, and the last question I ask each parent is what they would say if they could speak directly to other parents who are listening and doing the best they can to show up for themselves and their families fully…most of the time.
And here’s what five of the In-Out-N-Through® program graduates want to share with you:
Whitney:
You're doing a great job, no matter how much. You think you're failing, you're doing a great job. And I know people have said a lot that these are, extraordinary circumstances and unprecedented times and everybody's heard all that before, but it's true.
It really is, like, we just have never had to go through or experience anything like this before. And it was hard enough for me and my kids are older. I cannot imagine what it must have been like for those parents who had younger kids. I mean, I know we're still kind of going through it, but we're still, or we're, approaching more kind of like sense of normalcy. But when we were like all in the thick of it, I just, I can't even imagine how difficult that must have been. And I applaud everybody who got through it.
Sylvia:
We got put in a situation that we were not prepared what to expect, and then we went into basically the survival mode for over two years. And then you did the best you could, but meanwhile you also could be guilting yourself for the things that came up from your inner. That you never knew and then you could be surprised seeing that part of you or your partner, your other family member, your children, but you did best you could.
You were present there and then you came so far now and put that behind. Move forward find resources to heal.
Ellen:
Sometimes you get more than you bargain for with it. You can't just look something up on Google or something because you're gonna get a thousand different opinions. You don't even know where those opinions are coming from.
But that, I think most parents have a lot more wisdom and knowledge than they think they do. Letting people kind of find their own path. Even when you ask for advice or ask for help,
Charles:
It's okay to trust yourself, to trust your gut. It's okay to not, be someone's child sometimes and to break off and be a parent that's like a responsible, loving, caring parent that like, you know yourself to be the person that you are.
It's okay to trust that part of yourself.
Rebecca:
My thing is, is that we're not alone. That like we can naming when we need help. Being able to offer help, being able to hear about needs, being able to articulate needs. All of these things are important parts of wellness that are really relationally based.
Xochi:
I think humans, we are able to get through a lot of these things, especially when you're connected with the ones you love.
And I think that that's, that's the key is to, be there, be for there for your children, be there for your family and the ones you love and have open communication. Communication is the key I think, you know, that's, that's in connection.
——————
I hope these encouraging words fill your cup a bit and let you know that you’re not alone even though it feels so isolating sometimes.
And finally let me add my own: no matter where you are in your parenting journey, you’re exactly where you need to be.
You really are….
Even when you haven’t gotten one good night’s sleep in the last five months, and you’re wondering if you’re quote unquote “qualified” to be a parent.
You’re not “failing” as a parent.
Your worries are not “too ridiculous.”
You’re not being “too much.”
You’re just right.
I spent the first 18 years of my life searching for a place to belong.
Then one of my meditation teachers back home in Thailand casually dropped this pearl of wisdom on me: “Nat, you’re exactly where you need to be.”
Did I listen?
Well, let’s just say I’m a little wiser now than I was then.
So, I spent the next 15 years after that proving her wrong.
I moved to Illinois to complete my graduate degrees and took as many postgraduate trainings as I could.
I wanted to keep improving and becoming a better therapist.
It was as if each training certificate certified my worth and my existence.
After I had enough certifications under my therapy belt (to cover my insecurity and conceal my imposter syndrome), I started serving parents and their infants and toddlers with special needs.
That’s when I finally understood what my meditation teacher meant.
Ever since I started working with parents in 2007, I’ve heard variations of:
“I’m so alone. I’m just too different from other parents.”
“I’m to blame for his autism.”
“I have no clue what I’m doing. I just want my child to turn out better than I am.”
In that time, I’ve also witnessed the very same parents opening their hearts fearlessly to love their child even when they couldn’t believe in themselves fully (yet).
I’ve seen them take a leap beyond their limits to keep the lights on and dinner on the table everyday even when they don’t want to take a chance on themselves fully (yet).
I’ve been in awe of their commitment to show up for their child even when they want to throw a car seat at the word “self-care” and don’t want to show up for themselves fully (yet).
I’m not going to send you good vibes. I’m just going to sit next to you…6-feet or 10 away if that’s okay. Just sit with you and be with our feelings for a moment.
Systemic oppression will be there for you to dismantle after four more breaths. Your toddler who’s crying, banging on the bathroom door will be ready to connect with you after three more breaths. That Zoom meeting will be there for you after two more breaths.
Right in this moment…welcome home, welcome back to your body. You’re exactly where you need to be.
You got apple sauce crusting on your shirt from yesterday and you’re running in between Zoom meetings… you got this.
You’re grieving pieces of your pre-baby identity that got left behind because your whole life now seems to revolve around their eating, pooping, and sleeping… you got this.
You’re not sure how to make it through the day yet you muster that last ounce of energy to read Goodnight Moon for the sixth time… you got this.
You’re feeling so guilty for handing your child the phone so you can have a moment to cook… you got this.
You’re working so hard to raise your child and no one is around to tell you that you’re doing a great job because of the pandemic… you got this.
You’re locking yourself in the bathroom just to have two minutes to yourself… you got this.
You’re deciding whether to burst your preschooler’s childhood bubble and talk to them about racism or to preserve their innocence for another month… you got this.
You’re crying on the kitchen floor but needing to get back up, smile, and be “okay” so the whole family doesn’t fall apart…you got this.
Nonetheless, you keep showing up…
Whenever you can make time for yourself and squeeze in a tiny moment for you…
It’s okay to choose yourself.
It’s okay to come back home to who you are.
It’s okay to come back to care.
You’re exactly where you need to be.
As always, in solidarity and sass. Until next time, please take care.