Ep 34: Breaking Cycles of People Pleasing: Attachment Theory Meets Power Analysis
“Pleasing those who have more power than you to keep yourself safe and protected requires a level of self-abandonment. When we’re forced to abandon ourselves to live for others, we decenter our own dignity to center others’ comfort. Instead of living our own values and living up to our full dignity and humanity, we only live inside other people’s narrow expectations of us and their desires for us.”
Episode Summary
In this episode, you and I are going to unpack people pleasing or appeasement. We’ll unpack what’s going on in our body and nervous system when we people please. Then, we’ll zoom out and look at people pleasing in our social, cultural, and political contexts. And we’ll close out by discussing ways to address people pleasing in parenting. I hope we can shift the question from “am I raising my child to be a people pleaser?” to “how do I teach my child to use people pleasing when they need to be safe and then set it aside and be their whole self when they no longer need it?”
Episode Outline
Defining people pleasing and two examples of people pleasing.
Understanding the survival physiology and neurobiology of people pleasing in humans, bears, and horses.
Toxic stress from people pleasing in marginalized bodies.
People pleasing adds pressure for parents to value doing and teaching over being with and showing up emotionally.
Unlearning people pleasing can stir up fear of abandonment.
Power analysis & people pleasing: exploring “powerblindness” and “unconscious supremacy.”
People pleasing pipeline from home to school and school to workplace and intimate relationships.
People pleasing & attachment theories: children accommodate and appease their caregivers for survival.
Two reflection questions to unlearn people pleasing in parenting
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Resources Mentioned:
When Agreement is Not Consent by Rae Johnson & Nkem Ndefo
Dr. Kathy Kain and Dr. Stephen Terrell
Aggressive body language of bears and wildlife viewing: A response to Geist by Stephen F. Stringham
History of the term 'appeasement': a response to Bailey et al. (2023) by Sarah Schlote
5 Ways I’m Unlearning My ‘Fawn’ Response by Sam Dylan Finch
The Mane Factor: Compliance is Associated with Increased Hair Cortisol in the Horse
Toxic Stress by Harvard University’s Center on the Developing Child
Trauma and the Body: A Sensorimotor Approach to Psychotherapy
Socioculturally Attuned Family Therapy: Guidelines for Equitable Theory and Practice
Beyond Inclusion, Beyond Empowerment, by Leticia Nieto Psy.D., and co-authors
Queering Ways of Being: Replacing Politeness with Honesty to Create Belonging
Systems of pathological accommodation and change in analysis by Brandchaft, Bernard
Indigenous trauma and resilience: pathways to ‘bridging the river’ in social work education
Ep 31: How to Work with Parenting Guilt and Self-Judgment: The 4 D’s Framework
Ep 32: How to Work with Parenting Guilt and Self-Judgment Pt. II
Episode 17: Why it’s so hard to get free Pt.1
Ep 27: Why Your Childs’ Resilience Needs Your Parenting Mistakes
Demand the Impossible!: A Radical Manifesto by Bill Ayers
Yale Law School Commencement 2022
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