Ep 38: How Sylvia Shifts from Triggered to Centered, Most of the Time

[INTRODUCTION]

Sawadee ka, and welcome to the Come Back to Care podcast. A place where we’re re-imagining parenting to be deeply decolonized and intentionally intergenerational. If you’ve been looking for ways to practice social justice in your daily parenting and nurture your child’s development while re-parenting your inner child, I’m so glad you’re here. I am your host, Nat Nadha Vikitsreth, a decolonized and licensed clinical psychotherapist, somatic abolitionist, and founder of Come Back to Care. A dot connector, norm agitator and lover of liberation. In this podcast, we turn down the volume of oppressive social norms and outdated family patterns so that we can hear our inner voice and raise our children by our own values too. We come back home to our body and the goodness within. We come back to our lineages and communities. And we come back to care… together. So come curious and come as you are.

[EPISODE]

Welcome to episode 38 of the Come Back to Care Podcast. This episode is so special because you’ll be hearing about a decolonized, embodied, and intergenerational parenting journey from Sylvia, an incredibly insightful and wonderful Korean mom in a bi-cultural and bilingual family raising her 10- and 8-year-old mixed race children.

In this episode, you’ll hear my conversation with Sylvia as she shares how she broke up with mainstream parenting norms in order to listen to her gut feelings; how she handled her parenting triggers in the moment they came up and her 10-year-old’s super sweet and compassionate response to Sylvia; how Sylvia used an aha moment of inner child re-parenting to heal her own wounds and talk to her children about her parenting values; how she incorporated body-based practices in her daily parenting to soothe her triggers and take care of her nervous system; how she unsubscribed from capitalism’s idea of success and modeled that to her children; and how she used the smallest shifts and changes to sustain her decolonized parenting practice. 

But before you and I begin…a moment of transparency. Sylvia joined the In-Out-N-Through® social justice parenting and inner child re-parenting program in the Fall 2022 cohort. And I’m sharing my conversation with her for two reasons. First, I hope that Sylvia’s experiences can paint a picture of what it’s like to work with me and a small cohort of liberation-minded families. This way you have more information to decide if you’d like to join me in the upcoming cohorts. I want to be transparent about this so that there’s no hidden agenda of me trying to sell you the program. But let me be crystal clear: whether or not you join the program doesn’t make you a good or bad parent. The program is here whenever you need extra care, putting awareness and analysis into action. Second, I hope that when you witness another family’s journey, you can feel less alone so we can stay in the struggle towards liberation together a while longer. Sharing someone’s healing journey is such an honor for me, and I’m so glad I get to share it with you. I’ll be popping in throughout my conversation with Sylvia to check in with you and offer some reflection questions to enrich your parenting practice. If that sounds generative to you, let’s get started with who Sylvia is and what her family looks like.

Sylvia: I'm Korean by birth and I came to United States. As immigrant, as an adult much later in my life. But I left Korea, uh, earlier. I lived in other countries, I became parent, and everything is all like a new experience. Like I had to learn the whole social system. Then now I have to learn education system and how to parent here, United States, of serving the American parents, how they raised the children, right? So now I have two children, beautiful, 10-year-old boy, an eight-year-old girl, and we are biracial family. And also, bi-cultural in terms of ethnicity, but also in religion. I was raised with a Christian influence. My husband is Buddhist, so there's a lot of mixture of identity. Trying to find where to focus because one of the focus I would like to bring in my family as a parent is giving sense of identity to my children, what the roots are, where the values are coming from that we are teaching them. So, wow. That's the part of my parenting journey. 

Nat Vikitsreth: Yeah. That's beautiful. And so Rich, Sylvia, thank you. Like a so, so rich. Yeah. So at the time of joining the program, what was the thing that you wanted to change about your parenting, especially social justice parenting?

Sylvia: I would say I wanted to figure out why I have this fear or this reaction to my child that I see is not being helpful To have it as a parent or implement as a parent. However, knowing it was not enough because it keeps coming back as a habit. It's like automated automatic response. Yeah. And then as we, or many parents can relate, is we know in here, but somehow here is not connected. So why is this happening? And then I realized it is very complex, conditioning because I was conditioned a certain way from my parents growing up. And then by becoming. Outsiders in different country. I had to adapt to be accepted in the society. So there are certain other things that I was conditioned to, behave certain ways or have certain values or, expect to be successful in certain ways. a lot of those things became combination of, building fear as a parent, what are the things I need to do so that my child will be successful in this society?

And then back then I didn't have reference point other than what we are all being taught at school and then what it means to be successful in the like, typical mainstream success stories. Mm-hmm. . Right. But inside, in my gut, There's a, this screaming thing that is not the way you want to lead your children. Hmm. But at the same time, but I don't know what else, cuz that's all I've been taught how to mm-hmm. and that was the only way that I was shown which direction to go to. 

So I was struggling a lot. Mm-hmm. , I guess trying, going different, many directions, testing what felt right for me as a parent, and then also bringing to my home to set it as value to try so that my husband also come on board with that idea. Mm-hmm. . So it was like many years of struggle. I don't remember how I came across, but when I saw Nat's webpage and this whole concept like that, that's it. That, that is the thing. That was the wording that was missing in my gut feeling, gut instinct. What I was doing was pursuing capitalistic colonialism, imperialistic, imperialistic standard that I've been so trying to reject or, go against in terms of, my parenting practice.

Nat Vikitsreth: Pardon my interruption here. I’m curious about your moment when you first felt the parenting tension between what your gut was saying and what the mainstream parenting norms were telling you that you should do. What was that about for you? Perhaps…sleeping, feeding, discipline, or play? Even if you didn’t’ get to follow your gut then, it’s still important to highlight your moment of awareness. Alright, back to what I was saying to Sylvia.

Nat Vikitsreth: Wow. Oh yeah. And deep down you knew right, Sylvia, that those conditionings were not deep down inside you wanted to practice, let alone for your children. 

Sylvia: Right. And then the problem was, I knew. Deep down, this is what I wanted. But I didn't have a tools or understanding of the concept. So it was like, layman, no. It's like, what is it called? The quack doctor who knows a little bit of this little about that and then end up making the patient more harm. 

That's how I felt I was doing my family. Cause I'm doing all these different, to be honest, a lot of parenting books I got, introduced to as I became parent 10 years ago, was all written by white authors. So a lot of values, parenting methods and all that. White culture centric. Mm-hmm. Right. And I notice now very recently, non-white, professionals or experts, or even like in my country, in Korea, they're becoming more aware of, the need of introducing culturally, acceptable or culturally adaptable parenting.

Yes, yes. But, right. back 10 years ago, it was all white authors that I ended up reading.

Nat Vikitsreth: And those are the standards of parenting, right? 

Sylvia: Right, right. Mm And then like, okay, so this is what the American parents are breeding and implementing. and probably this is what I should put as my guidepost, or guide stuff.

Yeah. But as I'm reading, it's like water and oil is together , but never seem to be really mixing. Right. So there was always this kind of friction at home as I'm trying to implement it because culturally was not embraceable for us. Right. Cause it's foreign. 

Nat Vikitsreth: And I wonder, Sylvia, when you were reacting and when you said in the beginning that your automatic reaction was that automatic reaction trying to kind of fit your children into these standards that you read from these books.

Sylvia: Yes. And from the books, also from the you know, the tiger, the tiger mom. right? 

Nat Vikitsreth: Too well, Sylvia, right. 

Sylvia: So like the tiger mom, fear of at certain age, my kid needs to know these, these, these things. And if he doesn't know then what is wrong with him? So I'm just like finding areas of deficit more than where are the areas that he can really flourish. Mm. And then support him in that area. So it took a while to get that mindset out.

Until pretty recently, that perspective shifted drastically for me. I guess studying, learning the Black Lives Matter and the social justice concept is where it began. And to be honest, I had no knowledge. I knew about slave history here, but have not had in-depth knowledge how it is affecting systemically until then, that I started going out in the community and getting myself educated.

And then that's where a lot of my perspective in parenting as an immigrant here, what we immigrant parents are pursuing. Which direction is going . And that's where a lot of my perspective shifted from that moment. Mm-hmm. and I was, I could say desperate, trying to find an appropriate parenting guidepost that doesn't reflect the, uh, mainstream, the things that I've been exposed to.

To reference so I can implement the opposite, which my instinct was telling: “Yes, Sylvia, that is not the way, but I don't have any other references where I can go and learn about.” Wow. And then you came in that right moment when I was actually looking for resources to shift my parenting direction. So thank you. 

Nat Vikitsreth: Wow. Wow. Thank you. We found each other. I love that. Yes. How timing works. 

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Before we continue the conversation with Sylvia, I just wanted to highlight Sylvia’s beautiful awareness. She was clear about wanting to work on her parenting triggers so that she can re-align her parenting practice with her values…most of the time. Across the 7 weeks of the In-Out-N-Through program, families experiment with a wide range of short body-based practices like the supermodel poses that you’ll hear Sylvia refer to in a bit. These short body-based exercises are for you to use in the heat of the moment when you’re triggered and about to react. So you can pause and reset your nervous system and shift from reacting to your child to responding intentionally to them. We also take things a step further by healing the inner child wounds underneath those sticky parenting triggers and upgrading the survival strategies that you had to overlearn from your childhood. At the time of joining the program, the concept of inner child wound was new to Sylvia. Let’s hear how she described it.

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Sylvia: the inner child concept also, was foreign for me. And then after your workshop, I realized this inner child is what my parents conditioned me. all these years. And then that was the voice that was, um, leading me to make decisions…the fears and then the resentments also that's built in there because your inner child, uh, was conditioned to survive in certain ways. Mm. 

That is not fitting with the values. Do you want to like really lead, however, because it's so embedded in you as a second nature. Right. Um, so the pressure to carry the inner child as a part of the collective culture mm-hmm. right. And. The needed to repel that inner childness to be the parent who I want to be, so that my parent, my, my children do not have that inner child I had and also the inner child. My parents had the inner child, my parents' parents , right? Yeah. So after the workshop, the intergenerational connection of the inner child was really, um, eye-opening moment and also realizing how I am parenting my children. Mm-hmm. If I do not pay attention, a lot of that intergenerational. In a childhood, trauma just jumps out. So the need to be intentional and mindful every single moment when I'm interacting with my children, I find to be very important. And also notice the difference when I pay attention and when I don't pay attention. Especially when you are under a lot of stress. Yes. When you notice. 

And you already know that the stress from surviving white, colonial, capitalist, patriarchy can easily get in the way of you meeting your child where they’re at and in Sylvia’s words- “paying attention and being mindful.” That’s why we aim for getting it right 30% of the time and repair, reconnect, rinse, and repeat for 70% of the time like we discussed in Episode 27: Why Your Child’s Resilience Needs Your Parenting Mistakes. I’ll leave the link to this episode and the transcript of this interview in the show notes for you at comebacktocare.com/podcast. Let’s hear how Sylvia put this idea of inner child re-parenting into action when she moved through her parenting triggers.

Sylvia: So we were conditioned, work hard, do your best, push it through, right? Mm-hmm. so you don't listen to your body. And then you just push through like all with all this weight in your shoulder, having to be the parent, take care of the kids and be wife and the worker and all this. And then you not paying attention to what is happening to you.

So then as you're pushing it through, what I notice is I get short tempered, then I snapped my children instead of somatically, notice what's going on to my body. So if in that two second, one second moment, if I paid attention and took that break, I would not be snapping my kid the way how my parents did it, the way how my parents’ parents did it, and then that is going to affect my children and my relationship with my children.

And also how they will remember what a parent was when they have their own children. Mm. Right? 

Nat Vikitsreth: Yes. Those two seconds, right. Two seconds. Right before when you snap and you react and you revert back to your old conditioning. Right? Yeah. So for you mm-hmm. Sylvia, in those two seconds, how do you stop yourself from reacting and reverting back?

Sylvia: Just like I did . I take a deep breath. Deep breath. Yeah. And I think it's also helpful to let my child know the, the reason I'm breathing is not because, oh, like you hopeless kid. Right? It’s mommy trying to catch breath? Cause I've been. Running nonstop. Mm-hmm. so I can create a room for you to connect with you.

So I think it's also important to communicate with your children the things that you are doing and you'll be surprised how receptive and accepting they are. And there was a day that I said when I did like that my child like was looking, what is going on with mom? Is she getting gonna get mad? Is she gonna explode? Is she gonna snap? And then just seeing that facial expression really like hurt my heart, cuz that's how I conditioned him all these years for 10 years, right? Mm-hmm. . So I have to explain him. Mommy's trying to relearn how to connect with you. So when I breathe like that, it's not because. I have comments about you. Mm-hmm. It’s me trying to take some break and maybe I, once I get used to, I'll find different way to do this, but at the moment I need to do this. Wow. And then what he said was, I know, mom, I know you're trying. So kids do see when parents like putting effort, trying to make improvements.

Nat Vikitsreth: Wow. What you just described was so beautiful…that you caught yourself in that moment. 

You took a pause. You did your body-based thing to reset your nervous system, even though it was just one intentional breath, you modeled it to your child and had a conversation about how you need sometimes to set boundaries and put your oxygen mask on first.

Sylvia: Right. Which I have not seen my parents or my grandparents do. 

Yeah. Or have that type of conversation explaining to me as a child. Right. So that is itself is a big experience. Yeah. Cause you are creating a scenario that you never experience as a child. Yes. And you as a parent have to re have to create that memory for your child to carry forward. Right. Right. 

Nat Vikitsreth: Yeah. And to tie in social justice. Right. Sylvia, you talked about work conditioned to work hard, push, push, push. So for you to take that pause and break that conditioning from capitalism mm-hmm , and that's exactly what we talked about in, in week one, in module one. Right. When we look at systemic oppression and how it shapes our parenting in the background.———————————————————

Hearing how Sylvia’s using breathing to pause her automatic reaction when she was triggered makes me curious about you. How do you usually build in this pause in those one to two seconds that Sylvia described…you know those quick seconds between your trigger and your reaction? Using breathing or body-based cues is only one way. Perhaps, you might use self-talk or self-affirmation? A gesture? A physical item you fidget with? Remembering to pause in that moment is a skill. With practice, you’ll catch yourself quicker and quicker. You see, it’s never about getting rid of your triggers. It’s catching yourself being triggered so you can choose with your agency and dignity how you’d like to respond to your child in ways that are aligned with your values. Let’s hear Sylvia describe body-based practices some more. 

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Sylvia: One other thing I really benefited from your program is your hands on examples on somatic. Uh, methods like the model, the supermodel. Yeah. That's the next thing I want to try to give my kids to laugh, but those things, like I never really seen it, experienced it and some people might like, oh, it's a bit corny or It's cheesy, but it's one of those tools that like, I have it in my pocket when nothing helps, I'm gonna take it out and start using.

Nat Vikitsreth: Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Cuz I feel like body-based practices come in so handy in the moment when you said those two seconds. Yes. Right before you snap. Right. We often are trained to think our way out of our habits and patterns. in the heat of the moment when you're triggered and tired. Mm-hmm. thinking doesn't work.

Sylvia: Right. Oh, no. We, we are so trained to think or without thinking, just automatically respond as a habit. Right, right. So here, here, connecting, it really needs, um, intentional your body. Yeah. Yeah. Intentional practice. Daily. Yes. Daily. Yes.

Nat Vikitsreth: Do you have your go-to or your favorite body base practice that you learned from our time together?

Sylvia: At the moment, the one that has been most helpful is putting my hand under the armpit. Yes. And then squeeze, and then I'm, I'm noticing pressure in my body. Yes. And I think, you know, there's a sensory. Like some kids need, like sensory being tight on their body. Mm-hmm. And I feel like my inner child needs that sensory, um, regulation.

Yes. Like by, by getting, getting pressure in the body. Okay. And I feel safe. Yes. And I have not felt that way before. Mm. So this is one of my core two, uh, body-based, um, intentional, mindful break. Yes. I try to take. 

Nat Vikitsreth: Wow. Thank you. Thank you for sharing that, Sylvia, and practicing that for your inner child and your adult Sylvia too. Yes. We do need regulation. Yeah. And that is what we talked about in module two when we look at our nervous system and how systemic oppression conditions us to override and override. And then we live in our fight flight freeze people please. Protection mode instead of really connecting heart to heart. Mm-hmm. like when you just described Yeah. And do body-based practices. So were you new to body-based exercises? Sylvia? A lot of families said that, I don't know how to do this. Like this. This feels silly. 

Sylvia: Um, it, it was new. Yeah. Um, because a lot of, um, parent programs that's available in the community, to be honest.

Mm-hmm. It's a lot of like information sharing. There's. It's more like you sit down and get the information, like all in the head, right? Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Yeah. So there is missing gap in there of experiential practice during this community-based workshops that's available. Yeah. So, um, I heard about somatic practices, body-based practices, but have not had experience until recently. So yes, it's, yeah, it was new. Yeah. 

Nat Vikitsreth: Mm-hmm. And I appreciate the pacing that you went to experiment with some, right? And then make it your own, like you just shared with one arm under the armpit and you get the pressure and you feel safe. Yes. That's the point, right? That's the point. Mm-hmm. , thank you. And then week three and four we talked about how to implement. what you know about social justice and systemic oppression and then apply social justice. Action like [00:23:00] accountability, power with mm-hmm. and solidarity in your daily accounting. Yeah. Mm-hmm. How was that for you? 

Sylvia: I'm still learning to fully absorb that concept. Yeah. In the parenting, one thing that I can say, I shifted the perspective of my inner child, uh, I could say wound Yeah. Is I was expected to make a certain success or reach certain milestones a certain age, and then being Asian, the Korean, you need to do this a certain age, have family, kid career. all that at certain age point and none of that really happened for me. Mm-hmm. I could say, my mom say you the black sheep of the family. And then now I see that you are the one who don't follow the typical path. Yes. So she's accepting that. And after your workshop, having that framework, what describes the milestones a certain age was basically what we are trying not to do as a parent. 

But my inner child was kinda hurt by not being acknowledged. Not taking that path is okay, but I've been constantly messaged. You are failure. You didn't make it cause you don't have these, these, these things at a certain point in your life. However, I personally, without looking at my inner child, feel that I have a created life that I feel most comfortable with in terms of, um, the direction I wanna go to in terms of my career, my decision, wanting to stay as a stay home mom. Right? Right. And then doing things that what I feel passionate about. Mm-hmm. when my heart's calling. Right. And I think that's what a person should be doing, but we get put in this frame of what is expected to happen, to be the standard success story.

Nat Vikitsreth: Yes. 

Sylvia: Yes. So when I went to your workshop, um, my inner child got confirmation that my choosing not to take the path was actually right choice, listening to my gut, and then this is what I want to like pass on to my children. So that by me training as a parent who can deliver that so that my children do not go through same hurt, um, same path, and then help them to dig out their gem. At an early age. Right. So they can really shine in the later age doing what they love to do instead of doing what the society or the norm or the herd is all going to the to one direction.

Nat Vikitsreth: Yes. And what you describe was you living for you mm-hmm. instead of living by the standard of capitalism's definition of success. Right? Yeah. And wow. And to model that to your children and be intentional about not causing the same wound for them. 

Sylvia: Mm-hmm. . So interestingly, although I want, I give that value and message to my children. Mm-hmm. , they see me working in after hours. Right. However, , the mainstream messages they get is, in order for you to be seen as someone who's working and contributing to the society, is to hold a job, to hold the title, to bring like, I don't know, whatever amount of money home to own this much of things.

So my kids very until recently had this notion that mom's not working. Ah, but I am stay home mom who has her side work. Mm-hmm. She's doing when she can. So when she, when the kids are now, don't need her anymore, she can fully start doing her thing. Yeah. So that's my way of, uh, paving my own path without hanging on. To the expectation of the capitalistic success story, right? Yeah. So we had to really talk to the kids what it means to be successful in your own term. And it's very difficult as a parent to give that value unless you do the work like your workshop and fully embrace, understand, and then make your yours of social justice based parenting.

Nat Vikitsreth: Mm. Like you have to really practice and embody those values. Yes. Real first to really model to your children. Yeah. Mm-hmm. 

Sylvia: Yeah. So, so, um, Before workshop when I was having those conversations. Like I felt halfhearted having this conversation with other kids. Yeah. Right. Yeah. But now I feel like more confident as parent having this conversation, more confident, like I'm a leader in the family for my children to lead and guide them, never mentor them, hopefully down the road.

Nat Vikitsreth: Yes, yes. It's just so beautiful because this work, the heart and soul of it, Sylvia, of decolonized parenting is for parents to hear the voices from capitalism, patriarchy, white supremacy, and then be able to lower the volume so that they can hear their own inner voice. Mm-hmm. . And then they can decide for themselves which, which route they wanna go.

Sylvia: Right. And then that was also shifting perspective cause. Until recently, a lot of academic or extracurricular dis uh, activities. Yeah. That we decide what's basically based, if this kid does that, how is this going to affect in terms of academic performance in the future, the grade he's gonna get. Then like, what would it be like for the college?

Like it was all connected in that way, right? Mm-hmm. . Mm-hmm. . But now we are shifting, although we could be doing similar extracurricular activities, it's more of like, how is this gonna benefit in character building? How is this gonna benefit in value setting? How is this going to benefit in terms of my child deciding what he wants to do or she wants to do in the future?

Nat Vikitsreth: Oh, these examples are really helpful, Sylvia. They're so clear. When you see the patterns and conditionings of say capitalism, then you get really intentional about kind of almost every level of parenting. Mm-hmm. from extracurricular activity Yes. To spending money and the future too. That it's driven by your values that you believe in instead of just preparing and protecting them.

Sylvia: Right. Like really present. Mm-hmm. So, um, because of that clear, um, what would you be the word? The clear direction as a parent, how we want to parent our children. It's been easier to communicate with children in terms of why I. Certain extracurricular activity I want them to try. Mm-hmm. instead of, you need to do this or you learn this so so you can carry on on your academic performance or portfolio. So it's like, mommy wants you to have more Korean culture exposure because you, uh, have Korean. How about that? Do you value that? 

So it's been a lot more easier in terms of having conversation with children so that they understand where I'm coming from, why I am presenting these suggestions instead of, this is what you have to do, so you have to go no matter what. Right. Right. This was the way how I was conditioned grow. 

Nat Vikitsreth: Same Sylvia. Right. 

And what a wonderful way to get them to start. To pause and think about, wait, do I value that? What do I believe? Right. To really have that critical analysis early on. Mm-hmm. . So with that said, would it be okay if we shift gears? Mm-hmm. to talk about weeks five, six, and seven, and talk about how healing your inner child can really support you to be the parent you want to be.

So week five, we were talking about what kind of inner child wounds we had based on Destiny's child archetype. Mm-hmm. profile, right. And then specific ways to reparent those inner child patterns or relationship patterns. And then we six, we talk about then what can we use transformative justice to really heal and upgrade our relationship with those who raised us. Mm-hmm, so that we can do, do the healing like generations forward and then generations backward. Mm-hmm. . And then final week we just put everything together as you create your legacy of compassion and liberation for your children. Yeah. So what made the the biggest, most meaningful transformation or impact on your parenting, if you can give us examples. 

Sylvia: So noticing those moments where we want to shift from conditioned self into, um, a little more. What, what is the work Elevated. Elevated, mm-hmm. selves. Mm. Um, I, I would call that like in small steps, we are transforming. We expect such a huge shift in one series of workshop.

Never going to happen because Yes, it's many, many decades of conditioning that we carry with us. 

Nat Vikitsreth: Right? Right. And even in the language that I asked you, Sylvia, I said, the biggest impact, right? It's like that was capitalism conditioning too, like, Progress has to be huge and Right, right, right. So thank you for that reminder. Mm-hmm. That those small shifts really impactful and significant. 

Sylvia: Right. Um, and I think that's also the part where I found myself frustrating cuz I'm doing all these, like reading and learning or workshop implementing. 

Mm-hmm. Why don't I see change? Why, why don't I see this big shift from my child, from my husband? But the workshop has given me, I guess the insight that the shift don't happen drastically. It happens over time because of small switches that you 

Nat Vikitsreth: Yes. Right. Wow. Um, and it starts with you. Right. It starts with you. Yeah.

Sylvia: So, that's been, that's been the biggest thing I've been noticing. Yeah. In terms of, um, noticing the moments or you take a break Yes. To shift to different direction. 

Nat Vikitsreth: Yeah. So different directions, meaning instead of repeating your automatic habits or conditioning mm-hmm, you shift to more adaptive ones, like we say. 

Yes, yes. Gotcha. Yes. So we do self-reflection, journaling, and body-based practices in each of the seven week mm-hmm. That we mm-hmm. Gather together. Can you say a little bit more about how that was for you doing these three things each week?

Sylvia: I'm not a journaling person. Yeah. Uhhuh. . So when we did take time during the workshop, taking those moments for journaling, that was helpful because, oh, I get to get things out from my head in that moment when I'm immersed. So being like parent, always like running with full schedule , like the intention is there. I wanna take time, sit down and write, but it's kind of hard habit to come by. Mm-hmm. . So being there in that moment when I'm immersed with the workshop you guiding, and then taking time to write down my thought, that was very helpful. 

So we, we did journaling, body-based and what else was it? 

Nat Vikitsreth: The self-reflection that we Self-reflection Yes. Together and then share it in a group. And we have mm-hmm. group discussion. 

Sylvia: Right. So body-based, again, always helpful because the examples you gave one, not this, I gotta say one of these boring meditation poses,  I'm sorry, I cannot meditate unless I lie down to go to sleep.

So, so this body-based examples you gave, uh, is very easy to remember and also, To get you out of that like serious moment in this like heated moment, like doing this thing, right? 

Nat Vikitsreth: Yes. I love that because I feel like meditation, it's not an end all be all right? Like you learn about your fight flight, freeze people please respond. And each response needs different body-based tools, right? To come back to your bandwidth, right? Mm-hmm. Yeah. 

Sylvia: So, um, that, uh, somatic practice, body-based practice, very helpful, great, and very fun and funny, um, the reflective time sharing. I'm very grateful that everybody created safe space to listen. Mm. And not be judgmental. Embrace each individual's experience as own unique experience, but also make it a collective experience. 

So my fear was what if there's, um, like what if I'm the only ethnic person and it's all very like white mainstream culture experience and I bring this and then it feels awkward and I feel like another outside trying to land and fit in somewhere. But none of that happened and everybody appreciated different, um, experiences, stories. So I felt very safe yes, sharing and it was very helpful. 

Nat Vikitsreth: I'm so glad. Yeah. Thank you. Sylvia. What a great segue to another question. I'm curious if you can complete this prompt for me. Mm-hmm. , I almost did not join the program because blank.

Sylvia: I almost didn't join the program because I was, be skeptical. Is this going to be another typical workshop that I go and gather information and be the same information that I already know from the mainstream? Right. And I almost didn't join because of the word social justice. Is this gonna be another like, like extreme progressive person?

Shouting, social justice, like that way, but that whole thing turned around, um, when I went your first, um, community workshop and I, and when I started listening to your podcast. Mm. And I really could feel that this is totally different style parenting workshop that I've known. 

Nat Vikitsreth: Wow. Yes. Sylvia? I believe in liberation and I do believe that we need all hands on deck.

Mm-hmm. Some hands need to lift a little bit harder than others. Right. But I need everybody, and I come from a background of political education where I lead with compassion, but yes. Firm accountability, so mm-hmm. . Yeah. So thank you for trusting me with that process. Thank you. Um, what else did you like about the program?

Sylvia: Um, I liked the interactiveness of the program. Yeah, yeah. And how sensibly you are facilitating the discussion, the flow, the amount of information you needed to share with the parent. But there was enough time for parents to reflect and share and to exercises. I really like that balance. Mm-hmm. Yes. Yeah. So again, it's not that sit down and listen, someone just giving you of information. I'm done with that kind of workshop. Me too. So that was one of the very helpful aspect of, of the workshop. 

Um, and then the other part that I really liked was the range of parents with different age of children and background demographic experiences. A lot of the parenting circles were just local. So then what happened is you end up meeting same people all the time. Then you don't expand your horizon. Yeah. And then widen your perspective. So that access to, to varied experience and different parents, that was helpful too. 

Nat Vikitsreth: Yeah. Because your cohort, Sylvia, is so special. We have East Coast, West Coast and the Midwest and the South. Yes. And then the age range.

Sylvia: Yeah. Of children, right? 

Nat Vikitsreth: Yes. Of children, yes. Yeah. Which I learned from the previous cohort that, yeah, let's open it up for parents who have kids from babies to like teenagers. Mm-hmm. . Yeah. So that was really sweet. 

Sylvia: But in general, everything was helpful. I just wish. Yeah. Um, I can see you like every week ongoing. 

Nat Vikitsreth: Yeah. Oh yeah. Yeah. It's just really awesome to work together, right? Yeah. And what kind of parents would you, or families or caregivers would you recommend this program to? 

Sylvia: Mm. I would say every caregiver and parent. Oh. Could benefit attending this workshop as a prerequisite before becoming parent and as a, uh, requisite once it became parent. Uh, however, parents who do not find current direction of education and um, societal direction is going.

They don't find that, they don't find that's the right direction they wanna pursue or they feel that there's something not right there. Yeah. That you wanna explore some other way of seeing parenting and also your personal growth. I would really recommend this and also parent who, um, have. Diverse, like I would say multi-ethnic families.

Yeah. Yeah. Because there's two values that come in from different backgrounds. Mm. And that this actually ties together. So you can see one direction together with a common language. Mm mm Yes. Yes, yes. And then, yeah, so that's been also been hard, um, not having common language with your husband in terms of the parenting language, , that's been also been hard.

Yeah. And then if you come from very different language background as well, that could be, uh, also very, one of the challenging parenting aspect. Yeah. 

Nat Vikitsreth: Yeah. Like you already. Come from different values, different upbringing, and you don't have the shared language to make decisions together. Right,

Sylvia: Right. It's tricky. Tricky. 

Um, yeah. So your workshop. Can help even the parents heal themselves as couple or as a parent. And then bringing, uh, more united front for you as a parent to lead your children in a generation that you don't wanna repeat who you were and give, um, give other direction to your children so they don't have to repeat the experience you went through.

Nat Vikitsreth: Yeah. I'm letting your words sink in. I feel that Sylvia, and that comes to our final question. Mm-hmm. , you know, this past year, Sylvia. It's been chaotic, it's been heartbreak. It's been grief loss for so many families and parents who are raising children through the pandemic. So I wonder, what would you like them to know?

What would you like to say to them directly? 

Sylvia: Hmm. I think we got put in a situation that we were not prepared what to expect, and then we went into basically the survival mode for over two years. And then you did the best you could, but meanwhile you also could be guilting yourself for the things that came up from your inner. That you never knew and then you could be surprised seeing that part of you or your partner, your other family member, your children, but you did best you could.

You were present there and then you came so far now and put that behind. Move forward and find resources to heal like Nat’s workshop. 

Sylvia: Yeah. And um, I feel very lucky that I came across you in that right timing when I so needed this, this type of work 

Nat Vikitsreth: Meant to be. 

Sylvia: Yes. Meant to be. 

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I feel incredibly honored to share Sylvia’s healing and parenting journey with you today. Thank you so much for holding space for Sylvia and reflecting on your decolonized parenting practice throughout the episode too. 

If you’re wondering what Sylvia’s up to now because she did her cohort in Fall 2022, Sylvia’s still around. She joins a Zoom monthly drop-in gathering that I facilitate for all the In-Out-N-Through program graduates or alumni. We fiercely continue our body-based practices together and compassionately unlearn oppressive social conditionings and outdated family cycles together. We keep advocating for changes in our communities together. For information and registration of the In-Out-N-Through program, please visit comebacktocare.com/learn.

Witnessing Sylvia’s journey deeply affirms our theory of change that when parents like you and Sylvia heal your inner child and internalized oppression wounds in a community, you put fragmented pieces of yourself together to show up to both parenting and community organizing with your whole selves. Then, you can dismantle systemic oppression and rebuild a culture that's rooted in liberation for future generations. We heal our wounds so we can keep fighting for equity and keep hoping because as Mariame Kaba said “hope is a discipline.” So we stay in the struggle for liberation together in our dignity and in our communities. You- parents and caregivers- are one of the most powerful agents of change. 

As always in solidarity and sass. Until next time…please take care.