Ep 45: Find Your Roles in Liberation: An Antidote to Cynicism & Despair

[INTRODUCTION]

Sawadee ka, and welcome to the Come Back to Care podcast. A place where we’re re-imagining parenting to be deeply decolonized and intentionally intergenerational. If you’ve been looking for ways to practice social justice in your daily parenting and nurture your child’s development while re-parenting your inner child, I’m so glad you’re here. I am your host, Nat Nadha Vikitsreth, a decolonized and licensed clinical psychotherapist, somatic abolitionist, and founder of Come Back to Care. A dot connector, norm agitator and lover of liberation. In this podcast, we turn down the volume of oppressive social norms and outdated family patterns so that we can hear our inner voice and raise our children by our own values too. We come back home to our body and the goodness within. We come back to our lineages and communities. And we come back to care… together. So come curious and come as you are.

[EPISODE]

Welcome to episode 45 of the Come Back to Care Podcast. My dear co-struggler, does this cycle sound familiar? Going from “I’m not doing enough social justice action,” to “So why bother?” and then to “See? I’m not good or worthy enough?” You’re bogged down by the kid’s homework, end-of-year school events, the dishes in the sink from three days ago, coordinating the kids’ doctors’ appointments, and prep for family gatherings. But you still manage to squeeze in actions like calling the state representative to demand a ceasefire in Gaza. Or, holding space for your Jewish community and being in deep grief with them as their intergenerational wounds are ripped open yet again. 

You care deeply about liberation so of course that inner critic inside of you is real loud, perhaps shaming you for not doing more. Your thinking brain knows that you’re already stretched too thin trying to put food on the table, pay bills, and survive the Hunger Game of Capitalism. But the inner critic still takes the driver’s seat when you’re not centered. Not being able to engage in all the community-based social justice actions you’d like to might amplify that sense of self-doubt you might already be feeling as a caregiver. And that might make you feel powerless or feel like you’re never going to be a good enough ally or accomplice. 

This sense of “I’m never good enough because I can’t do more” is where white, colonial, capitalist patriarchy wins. Because it’s the perfect place for cynicism, despair, and apathy to set in, keeping us stuck in shame instead of taking action for liberation. 

So, how do we combat cynicism and replace it with care? Giving ourselves grace can be one antidote to cynicism. But grace for ourselves can be a hard pill to swallow when our hearts are breaking for the lives that are being lost in Palestine, Israel, Gaza, the West Bank, Sudan, Congo, and Ukraine. 

I’d love to share another potential antidote for you to consider when grace isn’t enough to sustain us as we try to stay in the struggles for liberation, or practice Mariame Kaba’s teaching that “hope is a discipline”. My invitation is to remember the power that you already have in shaping change through your daily and beautifully messy parenting. And I invite you to remember your power in this episode by finding your roles in liberation. 

In this episode, you and I are going to explore the roles that you play in liberation both in your home as a decolonized parent and in your community as a social justice advocate. You’ll hear examples of small-yet-significant parenting moments that you’re already doing. My hope is for these mundane and messy moments to be a concrete receipt that tells your inner critic, “excuse me, I am powerful, not powerless, because of these specific roles I’m playing as a parent in literally shaping the brains, hearts, and spirits of the future generations.” Then, you’ll reflect on 10 roles you can play in your community organizing based on the Social Change Ecosystem Map created by Deepa Iyer of the Building Movement Project. 

By finding your roles as a parent or caregiver and remembering your power, I hope it fills your heart cup and sustains your social justice actions. So that you can metabolize the feelings of “never good enoughness”, shame, and cynicism and let them fuel your next social justice action. This is the agility we’re cultivating, isn’t it? It’s the Hokey Pokey of liberation where we go inward, remember our power, reset our nervous system, and refill our cup. When our cup is a little fuller, we get back out there and take actions like demanding a ceasefire in Gaza or organizing against antisemitism…in solidarity not saviorism. In and out, Hokey, Pokey, inner work, and direct action in the community. If finding your roles in liberation sounds generative to you, let’s get started. 

Your role in your home

To resist culture of policing, punishment, and power-over domination, many abolitionist organizers work together to, on one hand, dismantle prisons and other systems of oppression and, on the other hand, rebuild ecosystems of care that meet the community’s needs without involving the police. For example, Angela Davis has been advocating for dismantling the prison industrial complex for over 50 years. Or Dorothy Roberts who has been working towards abolishing the child welfare system which punishes parents instead of supporting them for almost three decades. As an aside, I had the utmost honor of having Dorothy Roberts, the Dorothy Roberts, sit in the conference presentation I co-facilitated last week. I almost fainted talking about abolition in the field of early childhood education and mental health in front of her. But I digress. Aside from dismantling the current systems of oppression, organizers like Walidah Imarisha, co-editor of the anthology Octavia’s Brood: Science Fiction Stories From Social Justice Movements, uses visionary fiction writing to dream up a future world without policing and punishment that we want to build for ourselves and future generations. 

And in the middle of these grand actions is you and your family. As you’re practicing decolonized parenting and re-parenting your inner child…most of the time, you and your child are living the liberated and abolitionist future during bath time, snack time, daycare pickup, or school drop off. To say it differently, when you show up to parenting as your full self and re-align your parenting actions with your social justice values (most of the time), you’re modeling to your child the kinds of relationship they’re going to be practicing in the liberated future. You and your family are rehearsing how to show up, how to love, how to ask for help, how to own our oops and apologize in the new world. Your daily mundane and messy and imperfect parenting is the portal to the future we want for our next generations. Because you and all of your parenting mistakes are modeling to your child how we relate and value one another without punishment, prisons, and policing. In other words, your child is learning what it feels like deep in their bones to be human or a “beautiful mess”, as Shira Hassan the author of Saving Our Own Lives: A Liberatory Practice of Harm Reduction, calls it. 

Now I’d love to share five daily parenting scenarios that illustrate the power you already have in co-creating an abolitionist future that’s rooted in liberation, dignity, and healing. Instead of thinking of these scenarios as something extra you need to do to be a decolonized parent, I wonder if I can invite you to check how many of these scenarios you’re already practicing…in your very own unique way. I bet it will surprise you how much you’re already embodying. Alright, let’s go.

Imagine your child growing up to be someone who makes mistakes, owns their oops, and practices accountability instead of shaming themselves or cancelling others for making mistakes. It starts right here, right now when you react and revert back to old coping behaviors like yelling, people pleasing, or controlling, that aren’t aligned with your values. Then, perhaps you apologize to yourself and then reconnect with your child. You might say to your child “I’m really sorry for snapping at you. I was really stressed about sending my work in on time. Next time I feel rushed and upset, I’ll rock my body and slow down my breathing to stay centered before I ask you to play by yourself for 5 more minutes.” By acknowledging the mistakes, moving through the mistakes with compassion, and sharing a plan for accountability, your child gets to witness you modeling accountability not cancellation. Your child also sees you model how mistakes are a part of growth and there’s a way to work through them besides judging themselves on a pass-fail binary. For more information on how repairing the rupture and reconnecting with your child promotes their emotional resilience and problem solving, I’ll leave the link to Ep 27: Why Your Child’s Resilience Needs Your Parenting Mistakes in the show notes for you. 

Also, how do you apologize to yourself after making mistakes and being unkind to yourself? Andrea Ritchie shared in their new book, Practicing New Worlds: Abolition and Emergent Strategies, that a Detroit-Based organizer PG Watkins said quote “abolition starts with how you talk to yourself.” As we try to dismantle the systemic violence in our society, abolition truly begins with how we talk to ourselves, our families, and beyond. 

Now imagine your child growing up and everyone in their group is excited to do something. But that decision somehow doesn’t feel right in your child’s body. They unapologetically hold their boundaries, interrupt the group by saying “hey, something feels a little off. Can we pause, slow down, and check in to make sure this decision feels right to everyone?” Receiving information from the body, using discomfort as a cue, and interrupting the status quo all begin right here, right now. It starts with how you respond to your child’s independence. When your child disagrees, says no, or talks back, you respond to that assertiveness with curiosity like “You’re feeling big feelings. Show me a different way. I want to understand.” Instead of reacting to your child and shutting down this emerging independence that you might perceive as “disrespect”, you get curious about your child’s unmet needs underneath the behaviors that are pushing your parenting buttons…most of the time. To say it differently, you power-with with your child instead of powering over them like we discussed in Ep 36: Three Ways to Power-With and Meet Your Child Where They’re At While Keeping Them Safe. Plus, when you feel irritated or upset, you narrate that out loud to enrich your child’s emotional literacy and model to them how to move through intense feelings without getting lost in them like “Oh, I’m feeling really upset right now. My throat closed up and my face is turning hot. I need to rub my hands together and place my palms on my cheeks to remind my body to slow down.”

Okay, how are these two scenarios resonating with you so far? If you grew up in a family that didn’t talk about feelings, let alone apologize for mistakes, like I did, apologizing to yourself and your child might feel really strange. Similarly, narrating out loud what you’re feeling in your body can be really awkward. Yet, I wonder what you think your child would be learning from you when you model these things to them. Many families in the In-Out-N-Through program -- the 7-week decolonized parenting and inner child re-parenting cohort I facilitate -- often share that they think their children feel like they matter enough for us to be awkward and clumsy getting out of the comfort zone of our old coping habits in order to try these new and compassionate ways. If that lands for you, you already know that it’s so hard to break the cycles and give your child a different childhood from the one you had. It’s like building a plane as you’re flying it. So, of course, it will be awkward and uncomfortable. You’re not doing this work alone. I believe in you. 

Now, our third scenario, imagine your child growing up to be someone who’s kind but with a firm boundary. They take risks, step up, and help others when their cup isn’t dry. When their cup is dry, they can confidently say “hey I want to help because you’re important to me. But I’m at capacity right now. Can you circle back to me in two weeks? I want to support you and be present when I do.” This boundary setting that’s rooted in solidarity not saviorism begins right here, right now. It starts with when you unapologetically put your oxygen mask on first then you show up and meet your child where they’re at. You model to your child how you’re unlearning the conditioning from patriarchy to be a martyr and the conditioning from white colonialism to be a savior when you take a moment or three breaths to fill your cup first. You might say to your child “I need to finish making dinner and I can’t play right now. Remember our movie date after dinner tonight? I’ll play with you then but right now I need space to finish cooking. You can have snacks at the table here so you can still see me or go color in the living room.”

Our forth scenario: imagine your child growing up to be someone who stands up for injustice and stands with someone who looks, sounds, and moves differently from them. Like one parent in the In-Out-N-Through program wrote in her decolonized parenting mission statement, she wants her child to grow up to be community-minded, have the courage to ask who’s not at the table, and actually do something to address it. And this includes our animal kin and Mother Earth too. This kind of social justice action begins right here, right now. It starts with you meeting your child’s emotional needs…most of the time…so that they know deep in their bones that this is what it feels like to matter to someone, to be seen, heard, and loved. And they can use this relationship template as a guidebook when they care for others and build communities using interdependence not individualism. It starts with you meeting the right needs at the right time most of the time which is again power-with not power-over. Like we discussed in Ep 37: Where do I start “meeting my child where they’re at”?, your child’s emotional needs might fall into two categories: independence and connection. Once you put your detective hat on and know what your child might be needing from you emotionally, that might make it more manageable to meet them where they’re at. For example, if they need independence, meeting them where they’re at means showing up with “I got you.” That means conveying “I delight in your exploration and curiosity. I got you. Go explore. When you step too far, I’ll step in, set boundaries, and keep you safe.” If your child needs connection, meeting them where they’re at means showing up with “I get you.” That means conveying “Wow, I get it. This feeling is big. I’m here with you so you don’t have to be alone. I get it. Let’s move through this feeling together when you are ready.” Teaching your child to show up and hold space for others in anti-racist and anti-oppressive ways begin with you showing up for them with “I get you” and “I got you” …most of the time.

Before I share our fifth and final scenario, allow me to check in with you. How many of these scenarios reflect what you’ve been practicing in your own style? If regret and self-judgment pop up and keep you stuck in the past with all the “what if’s?” and “I should have’s,” it’s possible to redirect that energy to the present and build an accountability plan for your future actions. If you’d like, I invite you to reflect: what’s one smallest adjustment I can make today? You and I are iterating as we’re learning. Iterating isn’t the same as failing. We got this and I got you. 

Alright our final scenario: imagine your child growing up to be someone who checks in with their values before making decisions on something they’re unsure of. They’re anchored in their values and respect those who hold different values too because multiple truths can co-exist. This kind of self-assuredness that allows your child to hold nuances and complexity begins right here, right now. It starts with you being explicit about your values with your child. For example, one family in the In-Out-N-Through cohort wants her four-year-old to tidy up the room. Instead of leading with “you need to clean up after you’re done and do what I say” which is power-over, this family experiments with leading with values and in this case the value is gratitude. They say “you know how gratitude is important in our home. One way to be grateful for our toys is to take care of them by putting them away after you’re done. How about we sing our cleanup song and put the toys away together?” You’re modeling to your child what it looks like to align your actions with your values. So that when they grow up and find themselves in a dilemma, they can check in with their own values and check in with what their community needs. They can hold those complex nuances and make a decision based on their values and their community’s values. 

And there we have it, five different scenarios or receipts to show our inner critics when they make us feel powerless amid all the injustices that are happening around the world. Andrea Ritchie wrote quote “we need to build new ways of being and building institutions that reflect them whether through mutual aid, safety pods, transformative justice hubs, conflict mediation centers, and so much more,” end quote. While you take a break from building these ecosystems of care and hokey pokey back to your parenting, you are modeling those new ways of being that Ritchie refers to through your daily parenting practices, mistakes, and repairs. There’s a depth of power in how you show up fully and aligned with your values. After all, Ruth Wilson Gilmore teaches us that quote “abolition is presence” end quote. 

Shall we pivot to what roles you can play outside of your home and in your community?

Your roles in the community

Deepa Iyer, a South Asian American writer, lawyer, and activist, created the Social Change Ecosystem Map that lists 10 roles you and I can play in social justice action. 

What I’d love to share with you next is Deepa’s descriptions of each role. I invite you to pick an issue close to your heart whether it’s mental health, environmental justice, food desserts, housing equity, gender neutral bathrooms in your child’s school, and so on. Then, as you’re listening to these 10 roles, I’d love for you to pick 2 things: first, the role that’s your go-to and second the role that’s going to be your grow-into in 2024. The go-to role is something that you’ve been practicing so you’re very skillful and comfortable with it. The grow-into role is something that you’d like to practice more of and become more skillful at because it’s at the edge of your growth and comfort zone. 

I’ll link Deepa’s original work, original reflective questions, diagram, and her books in the episode show notes for you. And if you’d like to support my work by becoming a Patreon member, in this episode I humbly invite you to support Deepa’s work first. Then, if your financial capacity allows, please join our Patreon. 

Okay, the recap is pick one issue, reflect on your go-to role, and select the grow-into role for 2024 and beyond. 

The 10 roles are Weavers, Experimenters, Frontline Responders, Visionaries, Builders, Caregivers, Disruptors, Healers, Storytellers, and Guides. And here’s how Deepa describes them, quote…

“Weavers: I see the through-lines of connectivity between people, places, organizations, ideas, and

movements.”

“Experimenters: I innovate, pioneer, and invent. I take risks and course-correct as needed.”

“Frontline Responders: I address community crises by marshaling and organizing resources,

networks, and messages.”

“Visionaries: I imagine and generate our boldest possibilities, hopes and dreams, and remind us

of our direction.”

“Builders: I develop, organize, and implement ideas, practices, people, and resources in service of

a collective vision.”

“Caregivers: I nurture and nourish the people around me by creating and sustaining a community

of care, joy, and connection.”

“Disruptors: I take uncomfortable and risky actions to shake up the status quo, to raise awareness,

and to build power.”

“Healers: I recognize and tend to the generational and current traumas caused by oppressive

systems, institutions, policies, and practices.”

“Storytellers: I craft and share our community stories, cultures, experiences, histories, and

possibilities through art, music, media, and movement.”

“Guides: I teach, counsel, and advise, using my gifts of well-earned discernment and wisdom.” End quote.

How does your go-to role deepen the power you’re already holding? Maybe hearing it described makes you feel a sense of “I got this!” How about your grow-into role? Perhaps a part inside of you is excited to practice this new skill and another part is feeling a bit uncomfortable and scared. And that’s okay. 

For me, when it comes to walking alongside parents and families like you as we’re healing our internalized oppression wounds and inner child wounds, it’s truly a sacred honor to be your guide and healer. I get to build Come Back to Care as a radical unlearning and healing space for so many families who are actively anti-oppressive. So that together we can be disruptors of oppressive social programming and painful family cycles. And through this podcast, I get to be a storyteller. I cannot thank you enough for being here and doing this work together. 

The grow-into role for me would be the visionary. Sometimes there’s a fear deep inside of me saying “You’re so busy and burnt out that doing this transformative healing work is just too much.” And this fear limits my boldest vision to my most pragmatic version. In 2024, I want to take concrete steps towards a bold vision and include more educators and clinicians in our decolonized, embodied, and intergenerational family building movement too.  

Thank you so much for staying in the struggles for liberation together by finding your roles in liberation and remembering the power you already have within your family. Social justice action is in each interaction you have with your child and in each rupture and repair. Whether it’s giving ourselves grace or exercising our power, together we can keep cynicism at bay when our hearts are breaking and the world’s on fire. I hope your cup is getting fuller from this episode. And before you Hokey Pokey back to your direct action of your choosing, here’s a medicine from Grace Lee Boggs, quote: “We never know how our small activities will affect others through the invisible fabric of our connectedness. In this exquisitely connected world, it's never a question of 'critical mass.' It's always about critical connections.” End quote

Every link to the research studies, books, and extra resources mentioned in this episode along with the transcript is in the episode show notes for you at comebacktocare.com/podcast.

To support my work and keep our psychoeducation and political education free and accessible, please sign up for the newsletter or become a patron by joining our Patreon. You’ll find all the information at comebacktocare.com/support. 

As always, in solidarity and sass. Until next time, please take care.