[BONUS] Ep 49: How Aireen’s Breaking Generational Cycles & Transforming Parenting Triggers with Her Daughter

[INTRODUCTION]

Sawadee ka, and welcome to the Come Back to Care podcast. A place where we’re re-imagining parenting to be deeply decolonized and intentionally intergenerational. If you’ve been looking for ways to practice social justice in your daily parenting and nurture your child’s development while re-parenting your inner child, I’m so glad you’re here. I am your host, Nat Nadha Vikitsreth, a decolonized and licensed clinical psychotherapist, somatic abolitionist, and founder of Come Back to Care. A dot connector, norm agitator and lover of liberation. In this podcast, we turn down the volume of oppressive social norms and outdated family patterns so that we can hear our inner voice and raise our children by our own values too. We come back home to our body and the goodness within. We come back to our lineages and communities. And we come back to care… together. So come curious and come as you are.

[EPISODE]

Welcome back to another bonus episode, my dear co-conspirator. I’m back home in Thailand and every cell in my body exhales and melts into this rich reconnection with the land of my ancestors. Huhhh. My heart smiles. 

While I’m resting and restoring, I’d love to share with you a very special conversation I had with Aireen…an incredible mom who’s breaking generational family cycles with her child. Aireen is a second generation, Filipino-American mom raising her four-year-old kiddo in a bi-racial family. 

In this episode, you’ll hear about Aireen’s healing journey and how she puts the social justice parenting and inner child re-parenting ideas that we discuss in our podcast into action…most of the time. In our conversation, you’ll hear us talk about how Aireen was working with her parenting triggers to get unstuck from yelling at her little one. You’ll hear about some of the body-based strategies she and her child used together too.

But before you and I begin…a moment of transparency. Aireen joined the In-Out-N-Through® parenting program in the Winter 2023 cohort. And I’m sharing my conversation with her for two reasons. 

First, I hope that Aireen’s experiences can paint a picture of what it’s like to work with me and a small cohort of families who want to break their family cycles and raise their children to be change agents. This way you have more information to decide if you’d like to join me in the upcoming Spring cohort in April. I want to be transparent about this so that there’s no hidden agenda of me trying to sell you the program. 

With that said, whether or not you decide to join the program I know you’re right there with us, building a liberated future for all our kids. If you’d like to D.I.Y. your decolonized parenting practice and inner child wound healing, I hope this podcast makes the D.I.Y. process generative and joyful for you. And if you’d like to do your decolonized parenting and inner child healing in a community and with me, the In-Out-N-Through® parenting program is an option for you. Cheers to agency.

Second, I hope that when you witness another family’s journey, you feel less alone, less isolated, and more confident in owning YOUR parenting method. Aireen is certainly embracing her Aireen method that’s different from the oppressive status quo. 

And I know that whenever we talk about parenting, it’s easy to make comparison with thoughts like “oh, I didn’t do that thing Aireen described with my child.” And I invite you to turn that comparison into a celebration of the many ways we love our children and this love can be expressed in so many unique ways. If that sounds generative to you, let’s get started with who Aireen is and what her family looks like.

Aireen Arellano: My name is Aireen Arellano. She, her. I have a husband and, um, and a four year old daughter, and I, myself, am Filipino American, second generation, and my husband is white, and, um, our daughter is a beautiful mix of us two, and we, uh, live in, um, the Chicago southwest suburb. 

Nat Vikitsreth: Yes. I love when your daughter pop in, made special appearances and brought so much joy.

Aireen Arellano: Oh, thank you so much. She is obsessed with you. Now, after that, she asks, like, if she knows I'm going to be speaking with somebody. Oh, is it Miss Nat to help you be a better mom? No, not this time. 

Nat Vikitsreth: I love that. I love that. And I love that our group parents can multitask and do whatever you need to do. And there's no like one way to be professional.

Aireen Arellano: Yes, and thank you for creating that safe space for us to absolutely. 

Nat Vikitsreth: Yes. So if I can go back. When we started out, Aireen our program focuses on two things. One is weaving social justice into day to day parenting, and the second part is about reparenting your inner child. So, at the time of joining the program, what about parenting and social justice that you wanted to change?

Aireen Arellano: I knew that I First of all, um, had some inner child wounds that I, I was aware of that I was immediately seeing how I was repeating the same patterns that my mom had had with me and I knew I wanted to do things differently. And I also knew that I, um, wanted to apply. I wanted to make my child aware of the importance of social justice and being aware of other people around you.

And having empathy and understanding that we're not the only people who live here. There's other people who have different conditions and circumstances and our family is not the only type of family. There's other families with, you know, Different, um, just who aren't biological mom or dad or mom and mom and, um, dad and dad. There's sometimes, yeah, the point is different families, not just outside of ourselves. Just think beyond. Um, so when you had this program advertised as a mix of all of that, I was so intrigued. How can you possibly connect parenting with social justice? That sounds brilliant. I want to do all those things, but I always thought of them as separate lanes, two different lanes that you have to compartmentalize. And so it was really intriguing to see how to, um, It use the 2 collaboratively. 

Nat Vikitsreth: I so appreciate you connecting the dots and seeing the connection. My intention is for parents to do this work so that they can show up as their full selves as their whole selves without having to separate social justice as something that they do over there and their own healing of their inner child wound over here and then do day to day parenting and survival in the home. So thank you for trusting me with the process of integrating these elements together. 

Aireen Arellano: Of course. 

Nat Vikitsreth: If I can ask why was it important for you to raise your four year old to be aware of these social dynamics and also reparenting your own wounds and breaking your own family patterns?

Aireen Arellano: Um, I could answer that in, uh, two, two, two things. Um, I could see immediately that I, I needed tools when something, when a conflict would arise, when I would become activated, I didn't know what to do. So I just did what my parents did and it wasn't always great. I just felt there's got to be a better way. Parenting is hard, I know, but it shouldn't be this hard. Are there steps I could do? So I found myself Googling very quickly after, uh, a, a breakdown and, um, you know, locking myself in the bathroom. Everyone's crying. What do I do? Finding a quick tip on some kind of psychology website and, you know, blindly applying, you know, throwing a solution on the wall, seeing if it works. And I'm thinking there's got to be a better way to do this, there's got to be a set, um, set of tools that I can use and go through. And secondly, I, uh, remember growing up and feeling not aware of things, um, and then being surprised by, um, social justice issues. And just feeling ashamed that I didn't know what was going on and that other people lived differently.

Um, and I recognize a part of that is coming from an immigrant household where we're just trying to do our best, and we're just trying to stay in our lanes, and I can't imagine my parents um, experience of just trying to make it, and um, maybe not having time for other people, and you know, you keep to yourself, and you'll do fine, but this new generation, thankfully, um, is a little more vocal and aware of advocating for other people, other groups, and Um, especially this time, um, 2020 on where it's just so important to advocate for other people who maybe can't speak for themselves and, um, maybe bringing some of that into parenting. So when I saw that you offered that, um, ways of connecting those all together, I was just so intrigued. 

Nat Vikitsreth: I deeply appreciate that wisdom, Aireen, that you just shared right there. It made me think of my own parents growing up in a Thai Chinese immigrant family in Thailand. Raising a child means protecting the child from social, political, cultural issues. And I resonated with what you just shared. I grew up wanting to know more, but no one named these issues for me. Yes. Yeah. And I can see that you with your four year old, you're beginning to have this conversation together. Yes. Yeah. One more thing I want to say too is you painted a picture of you locking yourself in the bathroom crying and I know. So sad. Yes. Yes. And I, I wanted to bring that moment back because I know that parents who are listening and listening. Yes. I know you all have one of those moments, you might call it your low point, your breakdown, locking yourself in the bathroom crying, yet you're still taking action out of love for your child, searching for ways to love them better, to show up more fully. And it's both and. Isn't it that, oh, this parenting is so hard and I'm going to get unstuck from the patterns that I grew up with so I can love my child differently. So thank you. Yes. 

Aireen Arellano: Well, thank you for having this program available. Um, it, it was truly, I, I couldn't believe that something like that, something like this existed when I found it, um, in a search. This is amazing. Thank you for having me and. And she's in Chicago. That's, oh my gosh. Okay. It's meant to be. I will take this program. I will take this program someday. And this was in the midst of the pandemic. So I'm like, I will figure out how to do that. 

Nat Vikitsreth: I'm so glad you joined the newsletter community and stick it out together and do this work together. Yes. Yes. I wonder what would be one example that you feel comfortable sharing when it comes to weaving social justice elements into your day to day parenting?

Aireen Arellano: Yes. Um, well, I think when, when, um, when I become activated, I just. Um, I've been doing that method of sifting, um, you know, noting your sensations, images, um, feelings and thoughts and, um, just having more, um, empathy for myself and then therefore having more empathy for others. Definitely. And so that all happens in, in split seconds. And so I'm able to bring myself back to that moment, just becoming more aware of my own feelings, which were not acknowledged before, um, by my caregivers and myself as a result. And so I've been more attuned. To to that to my feelings, and I'm able to come back and be present with my daughter and say, Okay, let's let's regroup. Let's reset. Here's another way we can do this. Wow. I don't know if that answers. 

Nat Vikitsreth: It really did. It really did, Aireen, because the point of integrating social justice into our parenting is twofold, right? We use social justice in our parenting, like you shared, A, promote our Child's development, meet them where they're at, and B, strengthen our own social justice muscles. So, in the program, when we talk about coming back to ourselves, our baseline, fill our cup first, put our oxygen mask on first, so that we stay quote unquote regulated, so that we can show up and hold space to meet our children's needs. That's solidarity that we're modeling instead of saviorism, where I'm going to abandon my feelings and my needs and my boundaries and just sacrifice myself for you.

Aireen Arellano: Yes. Yes, and you bring up, um, yes, you bring up the saviorism versus solidarity approach, which has become my new mantra. Um, every interaction, every reaction that I want to have, if Margo's doing something that I may be, wait, I feel like I need to react to that. Hold on. I will check myself. Is this colonialism coming up? You know, do I need to is it because I think that's the right way and I'll think, wait a minute, but that's her way. No one's getting hurt. It's fine. We don't have to be anywhere anytime soon. She can do that. She can explore. And that's all that can all be in a few seconds, right? So those words, colonialism will come up in my brain. And then another reaction, wait a minute, we have to, I just, my tendency is to rush and To, ah, ah, we have to go here, there, wait a minute, capitalism, why, like, do we really have to be, you know, on time for this, it's a party, we can be a few minutes late, it's not a dinner party, okay, let's, let's relax a little bit, so, absolutely, just incorporating those concepts of, um, saviorism, colonialism, um, capitalism, white supremacy, like, it's, that's all quote status quo. Maybe we don't need that in our household. Like, like you say, um, it could be the, as you say, the Aireen method, right? This is our way of doing. 

Nat Vikitsreth: Aireen, I love that you have a concrete way to slow yourself down from rushing and going on autopilot and moving from one to do list. To the next and discerning, oh, is it the Aireen method or is it capitalism, colonialism, or patriarchy? Like who wrote this script or rule? And I remember the first week of our cohort, you use this metaphor of always running on this hamster wheel going from one thing to the next. I don't know if you remember that. 

Aireen Arellano: Yes. Oh, absolutely. Yes. Yes. Let's get off the hamster wheel. We don't always have to. Exactly.

Nat Vikitsreth: Exactly. And you mentioned the SIFT acronym, sensations, images, feelings, and thoughts. And looks like you use SIFTing to slow down that hamster wheel, get off of the hamster wheel for a second and decide, wait, do we need to rush right now? Or can we just go with your four year old's pace? And then when you discern that, you can hop back onto the hamster wheel and move on to the next to do list.

Aireen Arellano: Yes, yes. You've given me the tools to, the tools that I was looking for to, when I become activated, what's something that I can shift to in order to, to, um, you know, address the, the problem in my head, you know, address the situation at hand, um, instead of, the way I would and, and really it's to my feelings.

It's, it's really, um, It's a skill like I remember being impressed that you said you've been doing this for more than a decade and I can tell whenever you would in our sessions guide us through a sifting session, and which doesn't take too long, but you know if you're just learning it. It's like, okay, what are my feelings and even in speaking to my husband. I'm like, okay, here's, here's how to sit and Taking him through your modules that you have for us. And I'm like, okay, let's sift now. And I'm like, what are your feelings? What are your images? What are your thoughts? And he's like, I, this is new to me. I need some time. I'm like, I know what you mean. Yes. See. I love that it becomes a family project together.

Nat Vikitsreth: Totally. Yeah. Yeah. Wow. I wonder if there is any tools that you learned from our time together that you also modeled to your four year old and you do it together. 

Aireen Arellano: Oh my gosh. Yes. Self regulation. I do that at least once a day. Um, so you taught us several approaches that we can do, um, which involve movement, which is really terrific. You've, um, taught us that, you know, movement is a great way to get in touch, um, and, um, regulate yourself. So as soon as I start patting my belly, And my chest, like rubbing my chest and my belly and breathing in and out. Um, my daughter knows. Okay. Okay. Mommy's mommy's regulating. Okay. So I'll be like, Margo, I'm sorry, my sweetie, sweetie.

Sorry. I, uh, I just need a couple of seconds to. Late. Do you want to do this with me? And then we can do it together. And then, okay, I'll be better. I'll be better if I just do this. So yeah, showing the work that parenting can be messy and showing my little girl that, Hey, this is one way that you can do it too. So if I'll, I'll hold, I'll be holding her hands. I'm like, sorry, sorry, mommy lost it for a second there. But, you know, this is one way, if you lose it too, this is one way you could get better too. She loves, um, she loves the, the jaw rubbing. I know that's another method you taught us, rubbing our jaws. She likes doing that.

Nat Vikitsreth: Oh, because our jaws are just clenched so tightly most of the time surviving under systemic oppression. Right. And. Yeah, and that really touched my heart, Aireen, that you're modeling to a four year old. Yes, feelings are intense, and mommy has a way to move through it. And I'm showing it to you so you can do that too when you need it.

Aireen Arellano: Absolutely. I just wish I grew up with those tools. 

Nat Vikitsreth: Me too. Right? Me too. It's never too late. Never too late to learn, isn't it? Yeah. Yeah. And, you know, you talked about reactivity and I know. Yes. Everyone has a reaction pattern, right? Some, some person, you know, you get your parenting button pushed and then you react by yelling or snapping or some, you get your parenting button pushed and you shut down. You'd numb out, you run away, you distract yourself on the phone, or you do people pleasing, or you go into fixing and managing. I wonder if you feel comfortable sharing what your reaction pattern looks like. 

Aireen Arellano: Yes. Um, you mean, before that's methods. I think, how about before. Yeah. Okay. Yeah, yeah. my just this thing in my chest would just shoot up whenever whenever I was activated if something annoyed me it would just poof up real so fast from my stomach into my throat and I would just Snap. I would just yell like, Hey, um, don't do that. Or why, you know, or whatever you say parents in that moment, right? I, we ended up forgetting it because we don't want to remember how, you know, there's that shame in there. Um, you know, that, that growth shame after we lose it and then we feel bad and we have to feel terrible about how we acted in that moment.

Nat Vikitsreth: Yes. Um, if, and if I were to ask the listeners to raise their hands, if we're, we're in the same room together, that post yelling shame that occurs, that turns into regret right away. Right. I'm sure we can see the room with so many hands up. Yeah. Totally. Totally. And if there are no hands, I don't know if you're, I don't know, right. Good on you. Super duper parents, but yes, all of us have been there. 

Aireen Arellano: And, and so now, um, I'm by no means perfect, but I know I have the tools. I have the, I can parent with confidence knowing I have the tools in my back pocket. So if I'm activated now, I will immediately sift. I'll immediately start breathing. I will rub my chest and my stomach and okay, and I will say out loud to my daughter what I'm doing. Okay, mommy needs a couple minutes to just, all right, I just need a couple minutes. Okay, and she'll let me do it. Sometimes she'll come over by me and participate with me other others. She's like, okay, I have to, I better steer clear.

Nat Vikitsreth: And this is such wisdom that came from you. You mentioned that when you get reactive, you feel the sensation from your stomach, shooting all the way up to your chest, and that's really fast. So the body based regulation strategy that you picked. For yourself is using self touch and nurturing that part in your body, your stomach and your chest. Like that makes so much sense to me. Yeah, absolutely. Yes. So anyone who's listening, you know, how your body is reacting in that chain reaction and you can pick whatever self touch or movement that fits with your own. Type of reaction or chain reaction to there's no one way to do this. Totally. Totally.

Aireen Arellano: Yes. And, and in that moment, also remembering another concept you taught us, um, incorporating social justice, which is letting go of perfectionism, letting go of perfectionism. It doesn't, you don't always have to look like you have it together, which is what I thought a good parent was like, you have to be graceful. And you have to look like you always know what you're doing, but now I'm okay with quote unquote, showing my work like, okay, mommy needs a minute. Oh my goodness. Okay. All right. I'm just, this is really upsetting to me. I'm so sorry. Just give me some time. All right. Okay. Okay. So, and then I will just regulate myself and show her that like, Hey, this is, this is what's happening. I was upset by that. I needed a moment. All right, let's start again. And you'll see this. And I never saw my parents do this. It was always just yelling or that stone face where you know they're bad and you don't know why and you know it's your fault somehow, maybe, and you just have eggshells or the opposite where they just explode in your face and everybody feels horrible.

Nat Vikitsreth: Ooh, so that extremes, right, of extreme. Yeah. The explosion emotionally or on the other end, it's that silent Asian death stare of shame. 

Aireen Arellano: Totally. Yes. And you don't know if it's your fault. Um, so on the one end, if it's stone faced, you don't know if it's your fault. You don't know what you could do better. And you kind of blame yourself a little bit. Um, and that you, you brought up during the course, if kids, they blame themselves, if they don't know what the problem is, it's probably my fault, which was not always the case. And on the other side, with the rage explosion, sometimes there would be repair and sometimes there wouldn't.

Nat Vikitsreth: So, you know, that's right. And you're breaking those family cycles and patterns that are not adaptive. These are outdated for you, raising your four year old. You're breaking them in real time by modeling these new adaptive patterns and behaviors.

[MIDROLL]

Pardon my interruption here. If you’d like to work with me like Aireen did on a holistic way to work with your parenting triggers using both neuroscience and social justice action, the Spring cohort of the In-Out-N-Through parenting program is open for enrollment now. We’re meeting for 7 sessions, once a week on Zoom from April 3rd to May 15th. If you’ve been to the previous registration page, you know it was SO long. I’m a little embarrassed but I’m going to own it. I’m iterating just like I ask you to do in your parenting. The registration page now is so short and there’s a fun video that shows you exactly how you can shift from triggered and tired to centered and connected. Accessible pricing tiers are available and everything is at comebacktocare.com/learn. Alright back to what I was saying to Aireen.

[EPISODE]

Nat Vikitsreth: And you made me think of our conversation to Aireen in our cohort about letting go of perfectionism. Right there. There's a movement now that a lot of parents embrace, which I love that I'm imperfect. I'm human. I'm going to show my vulnerability. And then there's that fear of, I don't want to teach my child to take care of me because I'm a mess and I'm vulnerable and I'm human. So what I love that you're doing is that I'm showing my vulnerability and I have a way to take care of myself.

You don't need to totally, totally. Yeah. And she is seeing an example of, Hey, if I ever get upset, I've seen my mom do this when she gets upset and it doesn't hurt anybody. It doesn't make anybody feel bad. Maybe I can start doing that most definitely. And it's such a powerful way. And I don't think we talk about this enough that when we let go of our control of that perfectionistic facade that A parent needs to have it all together. We open space to communicate to our child that I trust that you got this too. And you can show up and show me how you got this right here. That's so huge. Yes. For their confidence, for their growth. That's ultimately what we want for them, right? To be these confident, self sufficient human beings. Right. Exactly. Yeah. So when we let go of our control, we open space for our children to show up and tell them that we trust them, that they got this and when they need help. We're right there. Yeah. Yeah. Most of the time. 30 percent of the time. 

Aireen Arellano: 30 percent of the time. Yes. Concept. You've taught us. Yes, absolutely.

Nat Vikitsreth: So Aireen, if we can pivot to talking a little bit more about breaking the family cycles and those inner child wounds that are often underneath. Your parenting triggers, and that's the second half of our program that we focused on together. I wonder if there is an example of how how that shifted your day to day parenting.

Aireen Arellano: Yes, well, I, I recognize that any time I'm activated, it's totally inner child wounds. So, um, I'm more aware of that. And I'm, in addition to sifting, just being able to take note of that. as a result, um, becoming more empathetic with my caregivers and how I was raised and beyond just becoming a parent and realizing, Oh yeah, it's really hard. But really their upbringing and being empathetic to what they had to go through to raise me being immigrants in a new country, uh, and a new culture, and maybe not knowing what was okay to do for a child, um, and what was normal, quote unquote, and it just really allowed me to have more empathy for my community. My, my caregivers, and you had us do an exercise where, um, you had us write, um. Speak to them. And, um, and I was writing scripts that could easily apply to myself. It's okay. We, you know, you're, you were dealing with a lot and I was like, wow, I just had, I just had a breakthrough. I just had a breakthrough. So I can be more forgiving of my parents for, um, You know, for any kind of, uh, wounds that I've had growing up.

Nat Vikitsreth: Definitely. We have various exercises for the reparenting our inner child and upgrading our relationship with those who raised us. And in immigrant families specifically, Aireen, what I often see is that we, we know that they sacrificed so much to provide for us, to raise us. And we stop there and we, we turn away from the rage that's simmering underneath that gratitude for their sacrifice. And then we shame ourselves for feeling that rage. Like, how can we be angry at our parents? They sacrificed so much for us. We should be grateful. And my hope is that we can really hold both emotions that yes, I can be grateful for my parents. And their sacrifices and they couldn't meet my emotional needs when I was a child. So what am I going to do about that in ways that are not canceling our parents or forgive them willy nilly, right? But to really hold them in compassion, break the cycles we need to break and then repair intergenerationally. 

Aireen Arellano: Yes, I think your exercises provided so much clarity, whereas it was a little muddy before there was some, um, I knew there was some, you know, some anger and resentment, but, you know, in moments where I have the opportunity to really think about it and absolutely you've taught us that you can hold both, you know, I have, I have a great relationship with my parents, but everybody, you know, and I recognize, it's, Um, that they did their best and you help us, um, address that and to hold both of those and to recognize that it's complex, but we can still honor any kind of wounds that we've had and we can recognize that and then turn to the next generation and say, cool. So here's how, here, here's our own way. Here's another way. Here's the new way. Here's the new way. Just hearing that it's so hopeful. It is. 

Nat Vikitsreth: It's so hopeful that we don't have to be stuck in the old ways. We can get unstuck and write your own parenting playbook. Right? 

Aireen Arellano: Yes. Yes. Yes. And that's what your program has done.

Nat Vikitsreth: Hmm. So Aireen, you mentioned in the beginning that before joining the program, it was kind of hard to imagine how reparenting the inner child, doing social justice parenting could all be integrated. So I wonder if you remember at what point in our work together through the seven weeks that it clicked for you that, Oh, we actually need to do both.

Aireen Arellano: Yes. Uh, I think right away when we started reviewing, uh, concepts. Like, I think we started with colonialism, and then, um, and then I'm like, wait a minute. I, I think I have an idea where she's going. Hold on. And then that transition, when you tied it all together, okay, here's how colonial, colonialism can happen in parenting. And right there, I think that's when, oh, that's right. It's not. Well, I, I hate reading that in history books. And where do you think it starts? Thanks. Bye. You know, so, so yeah, it all that phrase, it all starts at home, you brought a new meaning to that. 

Nat Vikitsreth: Thank you for that wisdom. Airen. Yeah. Okay. If I can shift gears and ask you to fill in the blank of this statement, I almost Oh, fun, right?

Aireen Arellano: Yeah. I almost did not join the program because funding, just personally, just financially, it was during the pandemic, a lot of insecurity, um, fear, and I didn't know I could swing, um, swing it at the time. And, but I knew it was something I wanted to do. It was on my wishlist. Okay. If I reach these financial goals, that's definitely, um, something I'm going to do.

And when your email came through of the cohort sign up being open. I, you know, this was 2023 being in a better place and the world opening up and okay this is this is it okay I'm ready. I'm ready. Let's do this. And I also appreciate that you offer a scaling the pricing. Um, so you have an opportunity for different families, all families to participate. So, um, so that's fantastic that you offer that. 

Nat Vikitsreth: Thank you, Aireen. I, accessibility is really important to me. And what you just shared also spoke to when the timing is right, the timing is right. 

Aireen Arellano: Totally. Yes. Yes. Mm. 

Nat Vikitsreth: Because a lot of this work is about you and your inner healing, your own journey as a person, as a parent, as a mother.

Aireen Arellano: Yeah. Mm. Yeah. Oh, absolutely. Right. 

Nat Vikitsreth: And what are other things that you enjoyed or liked about the program? 

Aireen Arellano: I love that it's a safe space. That it's such a scary thing to talk about parenting and quote unquote what we're doing wrong. And it's a very shameful, it can be a very shameful, scary thing to talk about that with other parents. But the course that we were in, um, I just felt so safe. And you create that space for us in your podcast already. You already create that space for us and. I just knew that we could be vulnerable and we would be heard and we would get personal care and attention and responses and. You even adjusted the program accordingly so that we could accommodate one or two weeks where we just needed to speak more about a certain topic. Um, somebody would share a story and okay, you would say, let's dig into that. Let's explore. And I love that you accommodated that that. We acknowledge that there's a program you're following, that you have slides prepared, you have, um, statistics to, to share, but you weren't a robot. You were happy to put that aside for that moment and say, okay, let's dig in here. Um, and you found ways to accommodate. 

Nat Vikitsreth: Thank you for seeing that, Aireen, because the work, the whole point of the work is for you to show up fully and meet your child where they're at. So I need to do the same and meet all the learners in the cohort where they're at too, right? It's such a parallel process.

Aireen Arellano: Yeah, totally. I love what you, you do as you say as well. That's huge. What a concept. Yes. Right. I know. I love that too. 

Nat Vikitsreth: I love that too. And I wonder, you know, some parents are thinking, Oh, my gosh, is this going to be overwhelming integrating so many big pieces connecting so many dots? Yeah. Any wisdom to that worry? 

Aireen Arellano: I mean, Oh, I know in reading your page it can seem very overwhelming but you definitely break it down into digestible concepts and pieces, and you pace it very well so that it's not so, I mean these are big ideas but you break them down and you support them with anecdotes and stats and stories as well. And. It's all very friendly and digestible. I never felt like I was, um, you know, like the one student out in a class where everyone knows what's going on, but I don't know, I definitely felt like you were, um, you know, making sure to, uh, you know, make the contents and information accessible and easy to digest.

Nat Vikitsreth: I'm so glad to hear that. And I have to thank my political organizing background, where I really believe that we can't leave anyone behind. And we're not coddling either, but we need to make the information impactful and accessible. Totally. Yeah. Aireen, I want to speak to the point that you made earlier that I forgot to address as a therapist, I'm surrounded by vulnerabilities all day, every day. And when I see opportunities for parents to be vulnerable, I charge ahead happily skipping and smiling. And I forget that, Oh my goodness, it can be really uncomfortable and challenging to share the vulnerabilities with other parents in the group. So I want to name that and acknowledge that when you share.

Aireen Arellano: Oh, thank you. Thank you. Yeah, but I was lucky to be in such a terrific cohort where, you know, everyone else was equally vulnerable and, and, and loving and supportive and had terrific wisdom to offer. And I really credit you for creating that space because you, the way you've. Uh, the language that you use, that you speak about your program, it just, I think it speaks to people who want to be a part of this, um, so making change for the next generation.

Nat Vikitsreth: Yes. Yes. And yes. Now I have two more questions, Aireen. Yes. One is what kind of families or parents would you recommend this program to? 

Aireen Arellano: I think I would recommend your program to families who care about social justice issues, and who also want to make who also feel like there's got to be a better way. Those helpless moments where there's a better way to do things, instead of just me snapping, instead of just me, passive aggressively. Skulking in the corner waiting to see if anybody can see if I'm upset and not read my mind at all. Yeah. Um, yes, I invite families who just want to who envision just a better world. It sounds huge and And it sounds like a huge undertaking, but it really starts with our individual, our children, every single child to, to do this. So, um, it sounds like a huge undertaking, but it can be done with this kind of parenting and we can shift that, we can shift that, I think, you know, little, little waves can, little ripples can provide huge waves.

Nat Vikitsreth: Yes. When we think about liberation and we talk about in the next seven generations, like you said, Aireen, it can sound so abstract and something far away over there, yet it starts with how we love our inner child and practice justice with our children. You said it beautifully. Thank you. And I also want to point out for anybody who might be concerned that, oh, is this like lovey dovey, like I still want to make sure that my child is responsible. 

Aireen Arellano: And like, oh yeah, that's, I think that you make it, uh, you say all the time, this is going to be the Irene method. So share what, after you teach us a concept, okay, now write the Aireen method, your method, you know, another participant, write your method. Um, you're, you still make room for your own. Personal approach to parenting, um, with these concepts in mind as tools to help you. Um, so we're not encouraging a world where everyone's just like doing whatever they want, um, you know, that kind of like irresponsible lackadaisical freedom. But no, it's like, you, you, you provide, um, tools for parents who might feel like there's got to be a better way, and I can still, it's truly about parenting the way I want to parent. 

Nat Vikitsreth: Yes, and if I can add to your beautiful reflection, Aireen, is that my hope is whatever parenting decision you want to do, deeply informed by child development science, because that's my training and background, and also rooted in liberation and justice or social justice action. So you're informed on both sides and then you decide. Whatever method you want to do. And then when we do it in a cohort, each family does it slightly differently. 

Aireen Arellano: And that's the part I love that we get to learn from the group wisdom too. Yes. Yes. And from that learning also encouragement, it's not trauma dumping, you know, there's no that you, you monitor that closely, you know, and if, if emotions get a little high, high, you bring us through. All right, let's do some somatic stuff. Let's, you know, take things. Let's do some breathing here. Um, you know, there's also encouragement from parents. There's a few stories that are so loving and beautiful and just remind you that it's not all horrible. Like, Oh my gosh, it's those moments that we live for, right? Those are moments that we can have with our kids. And it's helping us to get to the more of those moments while teaching our kind, empathetic human beings.

Nat Vikitsreth: Yeah, we are unlearning a lot of things together and we're celebrating those beautiful, rich and tender moments at the same time. Absolutely. Yeah. And our final question, Aireen, if you could speak directly to the parents who are listening, who are going through all the ups and downs that we've gone through together since the pandemic, who are doubting themselves, who are probably locking themselves in the bathroom sometimes and cry and do some googling. Yeah, and have their wounds of unworthiness pop up to what would you like to say to them? 

Aireen Arellano: There is an answer to that. There is a better way you, you can break that cycle of helplessness. I would say it's, it's so it's earth shattering truly because it sounds like such a big, huge, scary, abstract idea of mission to just change how we parent. Truly, Nat, your program is the one I was looking for that I didn't even know I was looking for. Truly. And, and, and I wouldn't, I don't, I don't know where I'd be without these tools that you've taught us. And, and I'm in no way perfect and you acknowledge that. It's, we're not looking for perfection, we're anti perfection actually. Right. And now we have the tools. I have, if, if a situation arises. I've got so many things, A, B, C, D, E, F, G, that I could run through instead of flailing helplessly. Well, I'm just going to react. I'm just going to snap. This, this program is truly, it's an investment of your time. And, and, but think about, think about what you could do for that next generation. Think about what you could do for your kids. Think about what you wish your own parents would have done. This is. This is your chance to do that, and it only takes a few weeks, just a few weeks to huge generational change. That's not bad. It's not a bad thing at all. 

Nat Vikitsreth: Wow, I am so honored and humbled to be able to do this work with you, Aireen, and we're continuing this work when we meet monthly with other program graduates and continue this work together in a community.

Aireen Arellano: I can tell that's another reason I can tell you truly care about this kind of work, this kind of change, because I recognize that it's, it's a, it's a short few weeks. And it's to break these habits, the habits of the way we were raised, that's such a huge ask, but to have these monthly meetings. You have a way for us to check in and to remind ourselves and each other. Hey, we've got this. How are you doing? Um, so thank you for providing that kind of support for us to after we graduate from your class. 

Nat Vikitsreth: Mm. I appreciate that, Aireen. Yeah, because it's hard to try to be intentional and raise children differently from the status quo. And these monthly drop in accountability space is really nourishing to me too. Thank you. Thank you for your wisdom today. 

Aireen Arellano: Thank you for your wisdom always. It's truly been a dream working with you ever since I started listening to your podcast. Ever since I found your page, I was like, Oh my gosh, this is a rock star. I want to work with her someday. And the fact that when you first popped up on the screen on our first session. I was like, Oh my gosh, she's real. She's speaking to me. It's Nat. 

Nat Vikitsreth: From the, from my side, I'm like, I've seen your name in the email, email newsletter for so many years, and we get to meet and work together. I, I was just as giddy and excited. So exciting. 

Aireen Arellano: And that's another example of your intentionality that you actually noticed my name I just assumed I was one, you know, a nameless box and I'm like, And, but. Yeah, it's, it's so cool that, um, you make everybody feel seen. So thank you so much for that.

Nat Vikitsreth: This is this fills my heart. So thank you again. 

Aireen Arellano: Absolutely. Thank you. I feel nourished again. Just speaking to you again today. 

Nat Vikitsreth: Oh, that feeling is so mutual. Aireen. I'll see you in our alum program graduates meeting next month.

Aireen Arellano: Yes. Excited about it.

Nat Vikitsreth: Wow, my dear co-conspirator, thank you so much for holding space to witness Aireen’s journey of social justice parenting and inner child re-parenting. I wonder which parts of her practice resonate with you. 

I’m a true sucker for a story of someone’s transformation and healing. I’m in awe each time I get to witness someone who chooses messy and radical love despite and because of systemic oppression. So, when I said that I was so grateful for Aireen to share her story, I meant it wholeheartedly. 

If you’d like to check out how you can shift your parenting from “winging it” to “I got it” with me in April, the Spring Cohort is open for registration now. Please visit comebacktocare.com/learn for more information. 

As always, in solidarity and sass. Until Season 5 in late March, please take care.