Ep 55 Pep Talk: Listen When You Have a “Bad” Parenting Day

[INTRODUCTION]

Sawadee ka, and welcome to the Come Back to Care podcast. A place where we’re re-imagining parenting to be deeply decolonized and intentionally intergenerational. If you’ve been looking for ways to practice social justice in your daily parenting and nurture your child’s development while re-parenting your inner child, I’m so glad you’re here. I am your host, Nat Nadha Vikitsreth, a decolonized and licensed clinical psychotherapist, somatic abolitionist, and founder of Come Back to Care. A dot connector, norm agitator and lover of liberation. In this podcast, we turn down the volume of oppressive social norms and outdated family patterns so that we can hear our inner voice and raise our children by our own values too. We come back home to our body and the goodness within. We come back to our lineages and communities. And we come back to care… together. So come curious and come as you are.

[EPISODE]

Is today one of those parenting days that has you wondering if you’ve ruined your kid’s development forever? I hope it’s not, but in case it is I made a little pep talk for that part inside of you that’s feeling guilt and regret. So before you apologize to your child and repair the relationship rupture, I just want you to know that you’re not alone. And you are so much more than the narrow either-or good/bad parenting binary that white, colonial, capitalist patriarchy might have boxed you in.

Welcome back to episode 54 of the Come Back to Care Podcast a. k. a. your pep talk.

In this mini episode, you and I are going to explore three measures of parenting success that aren’t shame based but are more aligned with liberation and informed by child development science. If that sounds generative to you, let’s get started.

When you’re in survival mode with too little bandwidth and energy to be intentional, it’s easier to measure your parenting success based on what’s obvious. Things like how many times you’ve snapped, yelled, and lost your cool at your child today. Or, how often you dropped the ball on meeting your child’s needs this week. Or that one time you said yes to volunteering at a school event to people please without checking in with your body and capacity first.

These obvious measures of success often lead you to outcomes that can be shame-based. Outcomes like feeling like you’re a quote unquote “bad parent”. This good-bad parenting binary isn’t the only measure of success you and I have. It’s just the most obvious one, the most business as usual one sanctioned and approved by white, colonial, capitalist patriarchy. And more importantly, the easiest one to reach for when you’re in survival mode with too little support to be intentional. 

I invite you to turn your attention to the more subtle measures of success that aren’t shame-based but rooted in liberation and child development science.

Measures like:

How daring your child is when it comes to expressing their opinions and feelings – even when they are different from yours? 

Or how courageous your child is when it comes to disagreeing with you, expressing their meltdowns, saying “no,” and protesting? 

Your child’s courage to feel what they feel, their assertiveness, and their self-determination might feel challenging and annoying at times.  It might feel like they’re being disrespectful.

But from a child development perspective, this is real evidence that you’ve been showing up for your child consistently enough that they trust you’ll still be there for them and love them when they have different opinions and feelings. Your child trusts that they can be all of who they are authentically without centering your comfort or without people pleasing you. And you won’t shame or punish them for being too much. Rather, your child knows you’ll hold space for them and, when necessary, set limits and consequences for them too. Your child knows that they can fall apart emotionally and they won’t be left alone in their intense feelings. They trust that you’ll be there with them even though you might be awkward when you validate their feelings or might not have the right thing to say. 

Your child’s disagreements, meltdowns, and emotional expressions reflect the foundation of trust and the strength of your bond with them. 

I think I need to say that again. Your child’s disagreements, meltdowns, and emotional expressions reflect the foundation of trust and the strength of your bond with them. 

Isn’t this a parenting success? 

And here’s another liberation-centered measure of parenting success: how much easier has it been for you to apologize to your child after you lose your cool? How much easier has it been to set your parenting ego aside, practice accountability and power-with with your child? 

This ease is evidence of your social justice parenting muscles getting stronger. You’ve been de-centering shame after making mistakes and centering accountability and apology. You’ve been letting go of the societal conditioning that says parents need to have it all figured out. You’ve been breaking the generational cycles by apologizing to your child after your parenting oops and letting them know how important they are to you. 

Isn’t this a parenting success? 

Lastly, when was the last time you loved someone so much that you chose not to people please them…instead you chose to set boundaries, stand your ground, and root yourself firmly in your social justice values?

Your fear of being rejected was there. Your discomfort at the thought of ruffling feathers was there. Yet, you were aligned with your values. This alignment reflects your emotional fortitude to disrupt the status quo, to be misunderstood, and to raise your child differently.  

Isn’t this a parenting success?

My dear co-conspirator, remember that you have what it takes to be the parent you know you can be.

Remember your connection with the land, ancestors, spirits, and community.

Remember who you are. 

I’m with you in solidarity & sass. Until next time, please take care.