Ep 57: How Elisa Sets Boundaries with Her Mom in front of her Teenagers

[INTRODUCTION]

Sawadee ka, and welcome to the Come Back to Care podcast. A place where we’re re-imagining parenting to be deeply decolonized and intentionally intergenerational. If you’ve been looking for ways to practice social justice in your daily parenting and nurture your child’s development while re-parenting your inner child, I’m so glad you’re here. I am your host, Nat Nadha Vikitsreth, a decolonized and licensed clinical psychotherapist, somatic abolitionist, and founder of Come Back to Care. A dot connector, norm agitator and lover of liberation. In this podcast, we turn down the volume of oppressive social norms and outdated family patterns so that we can hear our inner voice and raise our children by our own values too. We come back home to our body and the goodness within. We come back to our lineages and communities. And we come back to care… together. So come curious and come as you are.

[EPISODE]

What does it look like when you love someone so much that you’re willing to say no to them and hold your boundaries, even though it’s uncomfortable? Elisa- a Mexican American mom raising two teenagers and- in a few weeks- a newborn baby- in a bi-racial, bi-cultural, and bi-lingual family- has a well of wisdom to share with you. 

No matter what your relationship with those who raised you is like right now, I believe Elisa’s story can enrich your parenting and inner child re-parenting experiences… I’m especially excited for you to hear about when she explained to her teenagers why she decided to set boundaries with their grandmother. 

Welcome back to episode 57 of the Come Back to Care Podcast. Before we begin, this episode is a part of our inner child re-parenting series which runs from episode 50 to 58. You can listen to each episode solo or multiple episodes together, depending on your curiosity and bandwidth.

In this episode, you will hear the conversation that I had with Elisa about boundary setting, intergenerational family healing, inner child re-parenting, and parenting teenagers.

Elisa’s story about how she’s staying true to her parenting values even when they clash with her own mother’s parenting styles and her culture’s parenting practices is a beautiful illustration of an important part of inner child re-parenting. You know, in Western psychology, healing inner child wounds or attachment injuries is so focused on what you do differently with your child, on giving them the childhood you wish you had, and on breaking those generational cycles. The focus is heavily on your individual will power and the future generations. However, in many indigenous cultures, breaking the cycles also includes mending the relationships with the generations that came before you. I’m speaking from my lineages of Daoist, Buddhist teachings, specifically a decolonized version of Wang Fengyi’s teaching from the 19th century in Northern China. 

Even though you decided to set firm boundaries with those who raised you, mending your relationships with them isn’t about talking to them, forgiving them prematurely, or removing those boundaries you set to protect yourself. It simply means you try to see where your caregivers came from and both-and compassion and boundaries. Elisa shares her stories that are true to her. My hope is that as always you nurture what resonates with you, compost the rest, and more importantly make it your method. If that sounds generative to you, let’s get started with what went down at Elisa’s baby shower. 

When Elisa and her mom were planning a baby shower for Elisa’s third baby, they agreed that her mom would bring tiny jars of honey as a gift to the baby shower. However, Elisa’s mom brought different gifts instead of what she agreed to bring. And that was the conflict for Elisa.

Here’s a little context from her:

Elisa: Oh my god. Yeah. That was that was that was quite an experience for me. I think it it was one of the experiences that I felt more empowered and proud of myself because not it was not easy to confront my mother because, I mean, I love her to death. She's so nice, so nourishing. But voicing out what I needed from her on that moment, was very was difficult was very difficult for me. So I'm the oldest of 3 sisters, just so that you know a little bit of of me too, a background of how, you know, I grew up.

So, I've always followed my parents' rules and, and their expectations and, you know, and all that sort. Yes. The the the kind of things that, older siblings do. 

As an eldest child, I really feel where Elisa comes from. She shares a bit more about what was happening inside her mind and body when she noticed her mom pulling different gifts out of the bags. 

Elisa: And and I said, mom, but we we didn't agree on that. We said that we were gonna give little jars of honey. And she's like, well, no. But I thought that this was a better idea, because, you know, Regina wanted to give something else and and so I just got it for her.

And and that made me feel like, oh, so it doesn't matter what I want in my baby shower. It's like it's your decision, your opinion of what's best over me. And so I started, like, to feel, like, this attack and is I I felt it, like, in my gut. And I said, you know, in my mind, I was thinking of my mom as as a child. As a child who, you know, had an idea and she wanted to bring it up and she was excited to share.

And but I didn't want I didn't wanna be a child. You know? I didn't wanna, like, yell or come up with an argument. So I was thinking in my mind, how can I tell her in a loving way that I truly do not agree with her plan and that this is my baby shower? You know?

And, so I said, mom, I really appreciate what you're trying to do. I I know that you took your time in buying the gifts, but I don't want that. I I don't want that. What I want is, the plan that we had about the giving out the honey. And she was like, nope.

But it's my but it's my baby's baby shower, like, you know, like saying in a loving way that Ria was her baby too. And I wanna pamper her and I wanna and, and and I want everything to be perfect and to be nice. She deserves that. And I'm like, thank you, mom. I know, but I'm I'm telling you that I don't want that gift.

And by this point, the back and forth between Elisa and her mom is still going strong. Elisa’s youngest teenager left the table and her oldest daughter is watching everything. Then, Elisa’s mom starts crying and says:

Elisa: And she's like, okay. I'm just gonna leave. And, I wanted I wanted to, I just wanted to cooperate in this baby shower, but you're not accepting, my ideas. So, okay, I will return them. And she leaves and then my daughter she leaves the table and then my daughter looks at me, mama, poor grandma, she's crying, just say yes.

And she already she already bought it. And, and then I said, I truly see what what what what you see, I said. But but I do not want that. We had another plan, and III do not want that. And I know that she's doing it from a place of love, but this is my baby shower. I am the one organizing this baby shower, and and, and she had to consult with me first. And and my daughter, you know, like, not convinced. She's like, alright. Do whatever you want, you know, like, with her eyes. 

Nat: I can hear the teenager sounds.

Elisa: Yes. Yes. So, you know, and then my mom comes back to the table, and then she says, okay. This is gonna be the last time. This is a this is gonna be the last time that I help you organize this.

Why do I have to do this if, why do I need to consult with you if I am your mother? You know, like, all these patterns that I know of her. 

Nat: Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Yeah.

Elisa: Again and again and repeating them. And, but this time, you know, it it was different. Like, I didn't take it personally. I knew that she was just saying those things, but she's my mom. She loves me.

I love her. Of course, she's gonna be present in my life. And so I didn't take it personally, but I can say that it didn't hurt. Of course, it hurt. You know?

Nat: Yes. Something was different this time. You didn't take it personally. And I think I wonder if I can ask you to name the patterns that you were talking about and just maybe name it for the listeners just in case they're not sure. 

Elisa: Yeah. For for for my mom's patterns, like, that she's has put on me with guilt, shame, You're not being a good daughter. All all this all this, cocktail, I guess, of emotions of of of feelings that lit by that, that vibrate in you very low. All this it it was a mix of cocktails throughout the you know, about just like throughout these years, and now I'm able to recognize them and not fall for them. Wow. I think the main one is you don't appreciate me. You are not valuing me as some mother, type of pattern in my in my mom. And because she she and she's a helicopter mom. Whatever you need, she'll be there. And wherever you are, she'll be there. Okay.

Nat: Here's the confusing part, right, for a lot of families where, oh, one of the parents, it's so loving. They're so giving and loving. How can I be mad at them? How can I say no to their kindness? Right? Makes it so hard and so confusing to set boundaries.

Elisa: Yeah. Yeah. And and, I mean and this is what I say. Like, helicopter mom, it's a controlling mom.

Nat: Yes. Yes. Definitely. And in that moment, Elisa, it sounds like you're doing that double duty of recognizing mom's strategy and patterns that you know so well, and at the same time, staying grounded so you're not getting tangled in the old dynamics. But you said you could see her as a child.

Elisa: Mhmm. Exactly. I I think the old Elisa would've, just, you know, say, well, okay. I don't I don't like it, but, it's okay, I guess. You know? And accept it and just swallow it and let it live in my body and take the shape of resentment against my mom. And and and, I mean and this happens, like, super fast in my brain. Right? 

And then I told myself, you know, if you don't speak up, this is gonna turn into resentment and you'll love your mother and your mother loves you, loves you, and you have to speak up for both of you. For both of you. For the love that you feel for your mother and the love that she feel. And that's what made me, spoke up, in front of her, in front of my daughter. And Yeah. And he realized that that, you know, speaking up is because it comes from a place of love. It comes from a place of saying your truth, not only for my mom, but for myself. And for my daughters also. 

Nat: And for your daughters also. And in Come Back to Care, we often talk a lot about, are we doing this out of love or doing it for love? And in this example, you've shown us so beautifully that because you love yourself, your daughter, and your mom enough to ruffle some feathers, to stand your ground, to set boundaries, and create, quote, unquote, conflict to have this conversation Mhmm. Which is different.

Doing it out of doing it for love where you just swallow that resentment down and just say, yes, mom, and accept the gift. And Mhmm. The patterns get repeated. 

Elisa: Exactly. And and and I also think it's, it's like a cycle.

It's like a cycle. Just as I was explaining at the beginning of the podcast that I'm learning to be a mother of a teenager, My mom is also learning to be a mother of, of an adult who already has a family, who's forming this, self identity, you know. Because because I because I've done a lot of a lot a lot of work on myself and so her perception of who I used to be is not my same perception of how I feel I am now. So she's also learning to be the mother of this new Elisa. And, you know, and we're just we're just learning.

It's it's it's a journey of of of learning, of of, dusting yourself off. And and I am so immensely blessed that I get to do this with my mother. Because even that this caused conflict between us, There's nothing there's nobody that I'd rather go through this with than my mother. And and I love her, and she loves me. And this is important. This is important work. And and she understands that. She understands that. And she's not oblivious to that fact. You know?

It's like I I guess for her, it's like, oh my god. So I'm I'm I'm going through the toddler stage again. With Elisa. I am going to the teenage stage again with Elisa, and and, you know, and it's it's it's it's a learning process. It's not that she's wrong or or that she's right or that I'm wrong or that I'm right.

It's just we're just interacting with different versions of of, of how we learn in this and and grow in this in this journey. 

Nat: Elisa, your love for your mom, that stems from your love for yourself is so clear, and you transcended that right wrong binary. And instead of I'm right and you're wrong or you're wrong and I'm right, I feel like in that moment, you came into the right relationship with your mom, where it's your grown up Elisa self and also your grown up mom self, learning how to be in the right relationship with each other. 

Elisa: Exactly. Yeah. It's it's like you said, learning how to be in the right relationship. Right? Where it feels lighter, where it feels, that it's okay to make mistakes. And not not everybody has that. And my mom allows me to to express myself in that way even, you know, if even if if I feel like she should have apologized with just like the way that I apologized, but she didn't.

But but you know what? Just the fact that the next day she was the same loving mother, that is enough for me. That is enough I don't need to hear her say, I'm sorry. I missed up on this and this and this, Because I know that's not the way that she was raised and it's not the way that that she is, reparenting herself. Yes.

Yes. I the work. This is the re parenting. You know? That's that's that's my job. It's not my mom's job. 

Nat: Wow. All I hear is grace for your mom and not punishing her into apologizing to you or punishing her into repairing that rupture that she had with you in ways that you want it or in ways that our dominant culture defines repair. Mhmm. Just you need to apologize.

You need to say sorry. But you have so much grace for her that you know that the repair is gonna look different.

Elisa: Mhmm. Yeah. Yeah. And it it you know? And who's right and who's wrong? Nobody. It's they're just different approaches to life. And, and then she said something You know, we're we're in the heat of the conversation, if I can go back to that.

Oh, yeah. She said, your life is not real. And when I heard that, oh, it hurts so much. It hurt me so much. And I was like, okay.

Reflect for a moment on that real quick. Well, I don't I don't think my mom you know? I think, like, my life is a real deal. So it's just a matter of perspective. And, and and and and nobody knows.

Nobody knows that they're doing the right or wrong thing. Right? We wanted good for ourselves in that moment with the tools that we have, with the experiences that we've lived. And and and I think because she's my mom. I was I was looking for her approval for her, for her to say, oh, I see you. Yes. You're right. You know, I wanted to hear the you are right. Of course. I didn't get it.

Nat: Wow. Wow. Oh my goodness. Just I I'm I'm smiling because I'm so in awe with your capacity to reflect in the moment when those words could be so hurtful. Right?

Especially coming from those you love and those who have power over you, your parents, your mom. Yeah. They're valid Right? It is validation. 

Elisa: Yeah. It's so important to for me, I guess, like, the little Elisa that lives in me to have their validation. To tell you're doing a great job as a mom or you're doing a great job with your life. I admire you but you know, it's not that she doesn't see it or she doesn't say it often to me is, I think it's it's something that I, as a woman, as a mother, as a human being, as a wife, I need to work on. It's like, I don't need to get validation from other people. It's it's how it feels inside when I do the right thing that I think is the right thing.

Mhmm. And and how I see it, how I receive it, how do I feel. 

Nat: And that is so key. Right? Because I feel like when you're raising humans, it's so filled with uncertainty. Lots of uncertainty, and many of us are not good with that, myself included. And when you're not sure if you're doing a good job, you try to find validation from outside as much and as fast as you can. And what you're doing, Elisa, is both ending it that, yes, it's a human thing that I want validation, and I can also get validation from myself and how I feel if I'm doing the right thing Mhmm. Or enough as a parent. 

Elisa: Yeah. Exactly. I mean, it's like if you well, I live in the desert. It's like if you are in the desert and you are asking someone to pour some water with ice in your cup when, really, it's right next to you. Okay. You can do it yourself.

You know? It would be nice if someone came and just fill up your cup with water and ice. Right. But, hey, girl. You don't need that. You have your beautiful legs. Get out there and and, you know, and fill up your cup. Fill up your own cup with water and ice. And you can even add extra lemon there. Yes.

Nat: Like, you do it yourself. Right? Yeah. Wow. Yeah.

And just a side note, you were sharing the stories, and they're a group of sparrows right on my right hand side. And they were, like, pecking at the window, like, saying hi. And I just wanna share that if it's meaningful to you. Oh, that's so nice. It's like, yes.

Elisa: Yes. We like this. We like what they're saying. Exactly. Exactly.

Nat: It's like, yes. Yes. Elisa has done so much work, and it shows. And if I can go back, Elisa, if that's okay, to that moment when you sense that, oh my goodness, your mom is pulling something out of the bag, and it's not the honey jar that you both agreed upon, and you had to say something. Mhmm.

A part inside of me that was like, that is boundary setting. Elisa, go for it. And then the eldest child part inside of me, little Nat, who had to learn how to follow the rules and be a good child, was cringing. Mhmm. That part saying, ah, really? You're gonna say something? So I'm not sure if if that moment, you have those parts that that are saying in tiny voices like, oh, just let it go. Don't do it. Don't be ungrateful. Don't be fill in the blank.

Moments of judgment that came up that could have held you back. 

Elisa: Yeah. Yeah. It's it's like jumping on, on a swimming board up to the pool. Right?

It's like, do I do it? Do I don't do it? I have to do it. Just jump. 

Nat: Yes! 

Elisa: This is scary. Yeah. I think, literally, Little Elisa was, oh my god. There's mom again making us feel, bad. And but, you know, she's crying.

Mom is crying and just hold your emotions a little bit. It's not a big deal. It's just a gift, and she means well. And then this other side of me was, like, my grown up, Elisa, was like, do this for yourself, set this boundary, and so that your mom gets to know this Elisa better, this adult Elisa that you are. Wow.

And and that was bigger. Adult that was was bigger, was comforting, the versions of of me, I guess. 

Nat: Yeah. You could hear different parts of yourself reflecting and having that conversation together. And this speaks to you know, we often want to be intentional in our life and in our decision.

This is the work. Right? Mhmm. This is the work that it takes to be intentional because it would have been much easier if you were to react and explode emotionally or shut down and give in and say yes. Mhmm. And then boundaries. 

Elisa: And it was something, you know, like, it was something so stupid, so simple. It was just a gift for the baby shower. Right? Right.

For me, it was like, oh, my mom is trying to impose her, truth or what she wants or she wants to control my life. I could also feel like the teenager Elisa there. 

Nat: Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. So So what led you to that decision that, I need to say something? 

Elisa: That thought that if I didn't if I didn't speak up, that would turn into resentment. And I and that's what I'm working right now on myself of not to build resentment. And the only way that I know is to speak up using my throat chakra Yes.

To really speak it and let it out of my body. And also, I think when when I speak it, when I when I voice it out, my ears, my heart, my body feels different and it's more willing to receive, the other message. Like, what is of the other person? What is the truth? What is the the the feeling behind that the other person has?

Nat:  Wow. 

Elisa: That's It's, Like, opening up, you know, and in the ending, the opening, you can also get hurt. But but it's a risk of of, worth trying because because it's honesty. It's honesty for for yourself.

Nat: If I can say it back what I heard and please correct me if I'm wrong or I'm not capturing the whole essence of what you're trying to share, is that even though it was so hard to ruffle feathers and said something. Mhmm. But it was so aligned with your values of being honest with what you need and speaking that out. Yeah, there's that value alignment, and you want to live in integrity, and your action matches your values. 

Elisa:  Mhmm. Exactly. And and this takes me back, like, thinking of my mom. My mom had always taught me to speak up, to speak my truth, to say when I don't like something. My dad has taught me that too. My mom was one of those people at, you know, returning stuff at Walmart back in the day.

Like, returning stuff for receipt and saying, no. I wanna give this, you know, I I wanna return this because this, this, and this, that the item had. And, like, she would make, like, a a fight, and I wanna speak with the manager. The I should be able to and my sisters and I, we we were like, okay. If you're returning that, we're not going with you because we know the story already.

You know? We'd rather remove ourselves from from feeling ashamed with you. 

Nat: Yeah. Isn't it so funny when we see someone exercising their power and using their voice? Like, we get so embarrassed or, like, oh my gosh, mom stop. Right? Exactly. 

Elisa: Yes. Yes. Yes. Yeah. So if if if I reflect on that, it's like, my mother wants me to do that. My mom has taught me to speak up. Yes. Yes. And, and and and I have to practice with someone that I feel safe with. 

Nat: Right? Why why not the person who showed me how to do it? 

Elisa: Exactly.

Nat: Oh my goodness. It's okay. I can't emphasize enough that that moment, it was hard. And now looking back, we're talking about it with so much laughter. Right?

Which that speaks to healing. 

Elisa: Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. I mean, after after that, I cried. Yeah.

So, because I was, you know, I was wounded. It's like III was at war, you know, giving best to, you know, using my my shield, my sword. And then when the battle was over, I was, like, exhausted. You know, that's when I, broke up into tears with with with my daughter. And, yeah, and I her.

Nat: Yes. Yeah. Before we go into what you debriefed with your daughter Mhmm. I wanna lift up this piece where when we talk about breaking generational cycles, some people say curses. When we do this intergenerational family work, we often focus on what we can change in ourselves and do it differently than giving our little ones a different childhood from the 1 that we had.

Mhmm. And it's missing this important component where we get to grow up our relationship with those who raised us. And we're so focused on the the future generations. Like, okay. Exactly.

Like, I'm gonna do it differently from now on, and I don't care about the generations before. But it's missing the other side of the same coin. That's why I'm so excited about this conversation because you are upgrading your relationship dynamic with your mom as a big part of this intergenerational family work. Exactly. Yeah.

Elisa: Oh, yeah. A 100%. Right. And, I feel I feel very proud. Very proud of myself.

Because if I can do this with my mom, I can do this with anyone, I feel like. You know, it's it's I I love her. I care so much about her, about our relationship, and, and she gives me that strength, you know, of this opportunity to and, yeah, and my mom is just, is just an amazing, an amazing human being because of, like, I knowing and understanding where she comes from. And, the the journey of her life, She's so brilliant. She is so loving.

Like, I don't know where she gets her her strength, her love, her will power. Right. And and I am I am very grateful, very blessed for that. Yeah. Yeah.

Nat: Everything on the inside of my body is screaming, Elisa, I know. Because I had the honor of witnessing you and how you parent. And right, the same resilience continues in the lineage. Yeah. Yeah.

Elisa: Yeah. And then it's it's not so easy to identify certain patterns. Because they're so no. They're so obvious. They're so obvious you don't know.

Nat: Like, they're too close. You can't even see them. Right? It's just it's just the way I am or it's the way I've always been, and we don't question it. Mhmm.

Elisa: Exactly. 

Elisa & Her Teenager: Intergenerational Parenting

Nat: And speaking of lineages, I wonder if you can continue the story and share with us when you talk to your daughter about what happened. 

Elisa: Oh, yeah. That was another moment. I don't know. Maybe it was the pregnancy that led me into tears with my daughter. Oh. But, yeah, I went to her room to kiss her goodnight. And, and she's like, are you okay, mom? And I was gonna say, yes.

I'm okay, but I didn't say it. I was like, no. She needs to know that, you know, I got hurt and and that I understand also when we have a fight that she gets hurt by me. And I said, I'm hurt but because because this, this, and this, And but you know what? I think your grandma is going through the same situation that I am going through with you right now.

She is learning to be the mother of of a different of a different version of of of myself. And just as I am with you, I am learning to be a new mother for for the girl that you are now. And and it hurts it hurts to see your little ones spread their wings and, talk about what matters to them and it's not so much about what matters to you per se. And and and and and that is hurtful, and but it's but it's it's it's the best way. And and, you know, and she was very quiet.

And then I asked her, do you also feel like this sometimes when when when we have an argument where we're discussing when we have a discussion like this? And it's just like, yes. And I was was like, I totally understand you. I I go through this too. But what I really see of what is happening that your grandma is doing it from a place of love.

Because she cares, because she wanted the best for her future granddaughter. And, yeah. And it's and it's the way that she expresses her love by doing things for others. And and she was like, but are you okay with grandma? And I'm like, yes.

Yes. We're okay. We're just learning, to navigate her. And, that made me feel very, very good, you know. I'm not always right.

That she saw that I'm not always right or that I'm not always strong, that that it's, you know, some other you go through many different feelings, many different stages. And the next day, I wake up and then my mother was preparing breakfast like if nothing was happening, you know, she spoke to me of what do you wanna do? What are the plans for today? Do you wanna go eat? And then and my oldest one was at the table again, and my youngest was at the table again.

We were about to have breakfast. And, and I was like, okay. This is a moment where I show my daughters that it's important to apologize, and I show myself also this courage that I have in me. I show it and I feel and I stand in my power. Mhmm. Because it's not easy. 

Nat: It's not. It's not. It's that easy. 

Elisa: And, so I went to my mother and I said, mom, before we go on with our day, I just wanted to to apologize for yesterday.

Maybe it was not the best tone, but I really appreciate you giving me this opportunity to express myself to, to tell you what I didn't what I didn't want and, and that you listened. And, and I love you and thank you for for letting me letting be letting me be myself and speaking up my truth. And then I said and I said, oh, no. It's okay. Don't don't apologize.

You're fine. I am fine. We just needed to talk and that's it. And then I said, but let me tell you that if it's very important for you to give those gifts, I'm okay with it. I'm okay with it.

And she was like, oh, okay. Thank you. And she said, yes. It's important for me. And that was itAnd she hugged me, she cried. We both cried, and, and then we just went on with our regular day. And, you know, it just sounds stupid that at the end, like, I let her I let her just give the gifts. Right. But that's the point of the story.

The point of the story is that I spoke up my truth, and, and and she allowed me to, and I allowed myself to get in that uncomfortable, narrow space, you know, That I made it through. God. 

Nat: You made it through. And you're right. The outcome is not the moral of the story here.

Whether your mom get to give the gifts or not, that doesn't matter. What mattered was you chose to be your own ally.

Elisa: I like that. Beautiful. Beautiful.

Nat: Mhmm. And we often say here, like, you chose being liberated over being liked. It shows being real over being nice. 

Elisa: Mhmm. Mhmm. Yeah. I chose the, the different route to get to to my to my truest essence. 

Nat: Yes. Yes. Yes. And it speaks to when we do this growing and healing and connecting with those we love, like our parents, and we upgrading the relationship with them, things aren't always gonna resolve. Mhmm. Yeah. Things might stay the same, and they might still give gifts to everybody. But you change, and that will create ripple effects of other changes, especially that I wanna ask you as our final question. What do you think your two teenagers learned from you? Seeing you standing up for yourself and having this conversation or these conversations with your mom? 

Elisa: Oh my god. I think there's a lot of of lessons there. The the the the predominant 1, I think, I taught them That everything every every conversation, every conversation is important and speaking up the truth, liberates the self and and that they should feel safe to have these conversations with the people that matter the most.

And and that they should that they should just be themselves and not swallowing, this this heaviness, you know, like this this this emotion that that does not belong to them. It does not belong to them. And that they could, that they should feel safe in practicing these skills at home. 

Nat: Yes. 

Elisa: So that and take it, into the outside world.

And that it it it matters. It matters to speak your truth. It matters that that you take it seriously. Because I could have taken everything not serious, like, it's just a gift. Come on.

It's just my my mother. That's right. You know? 

Nat: And And, that moment when you went into your daughter's room to kiss her good night, and she asked you, mom, are you okay? If you don't take it seriously, it would have been so easy to just said, yes.

I'm fine. Right? But you chose to have a real and honest conversation. 

Elisa: Mhmm. Yeah. And being vulnerable being vulnerable gives you so much, so much power in different ways that you that you can exercise in the other world, you know? Because it was it was just this this is just like a tiny leap or maybe a big leap. I don't know. But this leap, is gonna help me with other things. I don't I don't see it right now.

Yeah. But but that that's how that's how things work. It's it's It does. 

Nat: Right? Like, when your own when you are your own ally and stand in your power, it's much more manageable to go out in our community and show up in solidarity with someone else and not power over them or dominate them or coerce them. It starts here with us and in our home. And today, you shared what that can look like intergenerationally with your mom and then your two daughters. And for that, I'm so grateful for you, Elisa. 

Elisa: I I am very, very grateful, though, also that, you know, that I took your course and that made me just very stand in my power, but not like in the power of of, I am dominant. No.

Like, my true power. Yes. The the power that comes from the soul. Yes. The truth. The truth. And and just very briefly, I wanna share something that happened recently. So I had like, I I to to, last weekend. Yeah. Last weekend.

I had a mother's blessing, so it was it's just like a like a spiritual baby shower. And we made mandalas with flowers, and my mom was there. And my friends, my closest friends were there. And, you know, and we all had to share, something that we have learned about motherhood or something that we wanted to talk about about, our mothers or grandmothers or, you know, like this century, intergenerational, work of being a mother. And, you know, and I said that I was very proud of of being a mom of my two girls and that I was proud of being, the daughter of my mom.

And my mom said and when it my it was my mom's turn, she said something beautiful. She said, she said that she sees how beautiful this community that that I have has, like, sustained me and and and held me in so much love, and that I've taught her that there are so many different ways to live life. And for that, that she was very thankful and honored and that, that she, parent me the way that she learned from her mom. And, and and that she hoped that she had done a great job. And but she was very loving, and she said that she was very proud of me and thanked me that there are other ways of parenting and that there are other ways of living life and then in holding space. And that was, mom. 

Nat: In the beginning, you were talking about wanting that validation from your mom, and here it is. And remember when she when she said your life wasn't real and how hurtful that was? And now she witnessed how real it was. 

Elisa: Yeah. Exactly. Exactly. And that was oh my god. Just to listen to that is, like, the little Elisa in me, like, started jumping and, oh, yes. I love you, mom. Yes. Yes. Oh my goodness. And it's you know, and my daughters were there too. So that so 

Nat: Wow. That is powerful. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. This is intergenerational parenting at its finest. Wow. Yeah. Oh, Elisa, I'm so grateful.

Elisa: I am grateful too. Yes.

Nat: And, you know, this is not easy. I I know both of us keep saying that this is really hard work and heart centered work. And I wanna leave you with the final words to anyone who's listening, who's also trying to find that courage to come back to their power and maybe set boundaries or update and upgrade their dynamic with those who raise them if they want or do this healing work with those who raise them. And they're not sure or are scared or feel anxious or feel like they're they're not good enough Mhmm. Or they haven't done enough to earn the right to do this work. I wonder what what would you say to them directly? 

Elisa: I think the first step is to listen to yourself. What is the direction that you want your life to look like? That what is the direction that you want your life to take? What kind of winds are you gonna take to for spreading your wings and take flight? And listening to your heart, to your mind. And and from that place of of true of knowing yourself and what are your own expectations and invalidating your your own emotions and expectations. It will take a ripple effect. 

You are your own medicine if you do the work. And in that medicine, you will be like medicine embodied to to others and it, you know, and it it's not time we we tend to think that time is linear or that we want results, something assigned, that tells us that we're done the right way.

But sometimes we're not gonna get it. We never know. We never know when we're gonna get that validation from that person that you're waiting for. What matters is what you feel and that you respect, you forgive yourself. Liberation.

The moment that you see both of of of your dualities, your dark side and your light side, that is the moment that that you can see yourself as a whole. Because we're not perfect. We're not perfect light. We're not perfect darkness. But we we strive to, to move forward with this knowing, with this truth in ourselves.

And, and just be open, be curious, and everything will happen at the right moment when it needs to happen. There's so much more. There's so much more than now. 

[CLOSING]

My dear co-conspirator, thank you so much for witnessing Elisa’s journey and holding space for this conversation. Now back to you and your intergenerational family healing work. I have one reflection question and one invitation to share with you, if you’d like to put this discussion into practice. Here we go.

Sometimes your very own act of liberation in the ways you’re raising your child can be a reminder of the oppression your caregivers were and still are surviving from. So, if it’s applicable, in what ways might your decolonized parenting trigger your caregivers’ sense of unworthiness, rejection, abandonment, humiliation and other emotional pain?

For Elisa, she reflected on this question with me when she was in the In-Out-N-Through parenting program. Elisa wondered if her mom felt excluded when she wasn’t familiar with Elisa’s decolonized parenting practices and the social justice values she’s weaving into her parenting. How does that land for you? 

Elisa’s reflection leads to the next invitation I’d like to share with you. One way to set boundaries with those who raised you when they want to grand-parent your child differently from how you’re parenting your child is to collaborate with them on your shared values.

For example, you might discuss with your auntie saying “hey Auntie Lynn, I really want to teach Shen how to speak up when they’re not comfortable instead of staying quiet to make other people feel comfortable. That’s why I ask Shen how their tummy is feeling before adding more food on their plate. You’re an important teacher and auntie to him too and I know he’d love to practice it with you too. What do you think about this?”

If this example of sharing your values with your family and inviting them to collaborate with you feels right to you, I have more examples in Episode Ep 44: Protect Your Peace this Holiday with this Political Messaging Strategy. It has a cool communication framework that can come in handy at your next family gathering or this November election…or both. 

We start with collaboration and shared values because setting boundaries can sometimes be misused as a tool to punish your own caregivers. Sometimes we wait for the other person to do something quote unquote wrong. We wait for this “got cha” moment and we punish them for not doing things our way. We end up perpetuating the oppressive conditioning of policing and punishing them into conformity where they need to do exactly what we do. I remember a conversation that Mariame Kaba and Prentis Hemphill had where Mariame talked about how sometimes we enjoy punishing folks because it feels good. I’ll link it in the episode show notes for you. But punishing people isn’t liberatory, which is why I invite you to play with starting with collaborating on shared values when setting boundaries with family members instead of cutting them off right away. 

So, how would it be to de-center punishment, policing, and power-over to re-center cooperation and power-with with those who raised you?

To wrap up this episode, no matter how similar or different your intergenerational family healing journey is to Elisa’s, please remember that- in your own unique ways- you’re breaking the outdated cycles in your family and doing the healing your ancestors couldn’t. 

The transcript and resources are in the episode show notes for you at comebacktocare.com/podcast. 

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As always, in solidarity and sass. Until next time, please take care.