How Charles and Rebecca Honor Each Other’s Inner Child and Connect with Their Toddlers in Meaningful Ways

“The changes we made in our parenting are much less about what we have to say and exactly how we do whatever we’re doing… It’s not necessarily that the words that we say to each other changed but what we do and how we do it.”

-Rebecca Williams.

From Autopilot to Bold, Conscious, & Decolonized Family Building…

Most of the Time

Charles and Rebecca are raising their two bi-racial toddlers (ages two and three) to be, in Charles’s words, “loving, accepting, and caring humans.”

Both Charles and Rebecca want to align their parenting with “what we both feel is important to pass on to our kids,” as Charles said. Rebecca beautifully added “what’s the essence of what we’re trying to advance when we’re guiding them?”

I had the honor of witnessing Charles and Rebecca work together to beautifully build a decolonized parenting practice. Together they slowly unburdened themselves of the societal and familial expectations that no longer fit the kinds of parents they’re becoming. They came back home to their bodies and trusted their inner voices. As Charles put it “It’s 2022. It’s not 1984… Parenting must progress…to be our own family and forge our own path, but still honor our family at the same time.”

Since Charles and Rebecca have different intersecting identities and different inner child wounds, I’ll share how each of them worked on their inner child and internalized oppression wounds. Then, I’ll wrap up with how they both came together to align their parenting.

Charles shared that he grew up in a “do as I say” household. Now that he is a parent, he found that when he wasn’t centered, he was also strict.

His decolonized parenting work started by questioning the assumption that “this is just how I do things as a parent.” Charles reflected on what motivates his strict parenting style and shared that he has certain ideas about how “things must happen.”

I asked Charles, “Whose voice do you hear when you hear that ‘must’?”

In answering this question, Charles had to look at both the societal expectations placed on him and the family conditioning he grew up with. He shared that, “as a Black man, you're told that your family is your responsibility, and you're the one that has to do all these things for your family's sake.” Charles named the weight of race and gender that he was carrying as a Black father.

After naming these influences, Charles said:

“It was eye opening and especially around me, understanding more about who I am as a person and why I was so adherent to the ‘musts’. It helped me to alleviate that pressure basically and helped me to kind of accept my role graciously and like, ‘Hey, yes, I am a Black father and I do have a Black family, but at the same time, you know, we're all learning. We're all figuring out together, us and the kids.’”

In addition to unsubscribing from oppressive social norms, Charles applied self-reflection to his inner child work. He said:

“I feel like parenting my inner child is helping me to connect more with my kids, helping me to realize that they’re kids and their needs are very important. Kids are taught to do as you're told. But to really help them tap into their emotions and also their feelings [we need to] give them tools and ways to navigate those emotions and those feelings. Because I didn't necessarily have those tools as a kid I was taught, you know, do as you're told, don't question anything. It's just helping me to connect better. Our connections are a lot more meaningful.”

These meaningful connections help Charles recognize himself in his children, especially when they’re upset. His three-year-old daughter would get frustrated because she doesn’t yet tie her shoes fast enough. When she’s upset, Charles is able to pause and not let the old habit of “must” hijack his parenting. Charles reflected that “I recognize that [frustration] in myself.” This empathy helps Charles in that moment to set “must” aside and intentionally decide what he wants to do. He shared “She can learn to navigate her frustration, focus, and repurpose that energy so that she can actually help herself because she's very smart.” Then, Charles can talk to his daughter about frustration and empathize with her: “Hey, I get it. I get frustrated too. And this is how I try and get through that.”

Rebecca also brings wonderful awareness and action to the table. She and Charles make an unstoppable team.

Rebecca is acutely aware of how her upbringing is shaping her parenting. “I, early on, was told that you needed to accommodate and move or change your way,” shared Rebecca. She also added:

“When we're very young, we're very much taught that our emotions are uncomfortable for other people and that we need to hold it together. Which really isn't holding it together. It's just holding it in as opposed to figuring out how to resolve and release.”

Rebecca slowly reconnected with the sensations in her body, her posture, and her breath through various body-based exercises. (It delighted me to no end when Rebecca switched from “doing” the exercises correctly to “sensing” into her body.)

This body awareness and body connection helps Rebecca stay anchored in the heat of the moment and work with Charles to identify when the tension is rising and they need to take a break.

This awareness also provides the clarity and reflection Rebecca uses to make intentional parenting decisions. She shared:

“When you can agree on the outcome or objective of what you're doing together, and the more alignment you have there, the less extra tension gets in the way of what is already probably plenty of tension-full or stressful situations…We've removed that thing from the realm of worry. That cognitive load can take you really away from being just present.”

By doing this decolonized, embodied, and intergenerational parenting work together, Rebecca noticed that “The changes we make in our parenting are much less about what we have to say and exactly how we do whatever we’re doing… It’s not necessarily that the words that we say to each other changed but what we do and how we do it.”

Doing the inner child work also deepened Charles and Rebecca’s relationship with each other. Charles said, “It was nice to see her perspective as her inner child, her inner self, and her younger version of herself. When you kind of come to the realization of, oh, this is why I, you know, feel a certain way about nap time or this is why I feel like kids should be respectful to their parents, it kind of lets you strip the layers back and lets you see the core. And I enjoyed that too... seeing that with her for sure.”

Together, Charles lets go of the “must” he absorbed from both his upbringing and from society and Rebecca centers the “essence” of what she wants to teach the children. As a result, they meet their children exactly where they’re at…most of the time.